This hit me hard tonight

 I was talking to Ani while getting her ready for bed, and I stumbled upon the subject of whether Ani ever thought of becoming a Mommy. I know Christy has thought of it since she was a little girl, no older than Ani was when she got hurt. I asked if she had ever dreamed of babies. Then I said “Your babies would have been beautiful”.  Then everything crashed down. The enormity of what I had just said hit me and I started crying and saying it over again. The loss of possible futures is also grieved. Ani was an amazingly beautiful baby, and has she had the opportunity to have her own, they would have been beautiful also. 

Gift from Ani

 I was just given the most amazing gift from Ani.

I was telling her how much I love her and that I want to live with her as long as I can on this earth.  Also that I never knew how much I could love a child before I became a parent.

She gave me the biggest YES and smile and look of Joy I remember seeing, giving me the impression that she understands and loves me so much back.

Then,

I asked her if there was ever a time where I did not tell her I love her as many times as she wanted.  She gave me an immediate and big NO.

What better gift could you get from your child?

Revelation

 So, I've been playing this one game where there's been a zombie outbreak.  Of the two main characters, one is Joel.  He had a 13 or 14 year old daughter when the outbreak began.  She died during the initial outbreak.  Joel has never gotten over that or faced that reality (what kind of story would it be where everybody was emotionally healthy?).  The crux of the story is that Joel must take a young woman of 13 or 14 (similarity?) who has an immunity to the zombie "virus" to a medical center where they will try and make a vaccine.  Joel is not comfortable with this, and doesn't see that the similarity of this young woman to his lost daughter is causing him issues.  So, me, who has lost a child and is still dealing with that loss, has a chance to protect this young woman from danger and harm.  Even though it's a very violent game that I don't usually like, I've played through this game full out like 4 times.  However, as I was just talking to Ani tonight, it struck me like a thunderclap.  This young woman's name in the game is Ellie.  Have I been playing this game so much because unconsciously I've been equating Ellie with Ani?

Poem

 Ani,

Your smile could charm kings.

Your laugh could soothe hurricanes.

Your eyes could write a million love songs.

Your soul could lift all of earth out of a funk.

A visitor at the gravesite on the 14th anniversary

 While we were cleaning up Nate's marker and the trains around his marker, a lady came up to us.  She knew of our story and told us that her parents and lots of her family are buried in that cemetery.  She said she visits her parents' gravesite often, but also comes with her grandkids, and they visit Nate's site too.  Her grandkids have asked how such a young child could die.  Obviously a very difficult question to answer.  She showed great courage and sympathy to come over and talk with us.  I told her the story about how the CP employees sent a train engine out during Nate's burial.  She says that she hears the trains start up all the time at 5AM.  She lives very close to the cemetery, and the tracks are very near to Nate's gravesite.  She also said that one of her grandkids left a little toy Jeep to sit with all the trains that are all around Nate's marker.  Incredible that our story continues to affect people to this day.

14th anniversary poem

 Nate,

Where does my love go when I tell you I love you?

Does it kiss your cheek like a breeze, or does it echo in an airless void?

Where do my tears for you go?

Do they whisper to you as a brook, or sweep past you as a current?

My aching for you…

Do you feel my heart reaching for you?  Or am I grasping at empty air?

My faith says my words go to God, but my doubts and insecurities blind me.

 The grief of a child?

The grief came back as an avalanche as I was driving tonight.

I have been thinking about who else has suffered with us through our grief.

I had someone in mind to write about, and I will, but they are not the cause of the flood.

I was thinking about how I have taken Ani back to her old daycare to visit a couple of times.

Then I thought about Nate’s care givers there….I don’t know if they were invited to the funeral.

Then it hit me.

What about Nate’s friends there?

I know he was only 2 1/2, but they create friendships.

In a moment, my mind tried to comprehend the confusion and sadness of a child hearing that Nate will never come back again.

Combine that with my own feelings about Nate never coming back, and I just tumbled downwards.

My stomach dropped and I was shaken to my core.

Talking about it with Roger helped, but it is still coming back to me.

This will pass at some point too, but the confused sadness of a child is something that my heart and mind can’t take.