Prisoner

I am a prisoner in a jail where I am the guard.  

David

 Where did David's enemies come from?  Were they external?  Internal?  Were they, through action or inaction, a product of his choices?  I am beset, and the only visible path is one of pain and sorrow.  Pray in general for me and my family.  Pray the Lord smiles upon us.  There is a road that we must walk, overgrown and thorny, and the destination is not one we would have hoped for.  Please pray for strength and endurance and ongoing faith that the Lord walks alongside us.

How did you find me or this blog?

I know that I haven't posted in a long time, but as I've recently looked at the statistics, I've learned that I have nearly 68000 views!

I know that I haven't shared my blog site to enough people to have created that many views, and certainly not to people all over the world!

So, please tell me how you've found this blog, if you've searched for "Father's grief" or something like that, or I've invited you.

I'm so curious!!

Jerry

This hit me hard tonight

 I was talking to Ani while getting her ready for bed, and I stumbled upon the subject of whether Ani ever thought of becoming a Mommy. I know Christy has thought of it since she was a little girl, no older than Ani was when she got hurt. I asked if she had ever dreamed of babies. Then I said “Your babies would have been beautiful”.  Then everything crashed down. The enormity of what I had just said hit me and I started crying and saying it over again. The loss of possible futures is also grieved. Ani was an amazingly beautiful baby, and has she had the opportunity to have her own, they would have been beautiful also. 

Gift from Ani

 I was just given the most amazing gift from Ani.

I was telling her how much I love her and that I want to live with her as long as I can on this earth.  Also that I never knew how much I could love a child before I became a parent.

She gave me the biggest YES and smile and look of Joy I remember seeing, giving me the impression that she understands and loves me so much back.

Then,

I asked her if there was ever a time where I did not tell her I love her as many times as she wanted.  She gave me an immediate and big NO.

What better gift could you get from your child?

Revelation

 So, I've been playing this one game where there's been a zombie outbreak.  Of the two main characters, one is Joel.  He had a 13 or 14 year old daughter when the outbreak began.  She died during the initial outbreak.  Joel has never gotten over that or faced that reality (what kind of story would it be where everybody was emotionally healthy?).  The crux of the story is that Joel must take a young woman of 13 or 14 (similarity?) who has an immunity to the zombie "virus" to a medical center where they will try and make a vaccine.  Joel is not comfortable with this, and doesn't see that the similarity of this young woman to his lost daughter is causing him issues.  So, me, who has lost a child and is still dealing with that loss, has a chance to protect this young woman from danger and harm.  Even though it's a very violent game that I don't usually like, I've played through this game full out like 4 times.  However, as I was just talking to Ani tonight, it struck me like a thunderclap.  This young woman's name in the game is Ellie.  Have I been playing this game so much because unconsciously I've been equating Ellie with Ani?

Poem

 Ani,

Your smile could charm kings.

Your laugh could soothe hurricanes.

Your eyes could write a million love songs.

Your soul could lift all of earth out of a funk.