Tumbling, serene.
Tumbling, horrific.
Blackness, silent, violent.
Which way is up?
I am hurt badly,
Ani, make a noise!
Make a noise for daddy!
No, Nate was right next to me!
Nate!
Nate!
Which way is up?
Living, horrific.


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Location:Tumbling

The day has come...

The day has come.
How heavy this day is.
I have now lived more time since your birth without you than with you.
It has not been easy.
It is the hardest thing I've ever done, to live without you,
second to that is my concern for your sister.
Oh Nate, daddy remembers you, daddy misses you, daddy wants to be with you.
God, help me keep Nate alive in Ani's heart and memory.
God, give me words to help me bring Nate to life and love in Micah's heart.
God, grant me a vision of Nate in heaven.
God, grant me a simple taste of how eternity with you and my loved ones dwarfs this meager existence here.
God, give my love to my son.

Wait, what?

This was in my head last night late, even before Bob's message.

God: No, no, wait, wait, you don't need to explain. I forgive you.
Me: No, you don't know what I've done I..
God: No, you don't understand, I do understand. Dude, I know everything and I still forgive you.
Me: Wait, what?
God: What "what"? I forgive you.
Me: Why?
God: Dude, my child, I love you.

Tell me...

If you have been reading my blog, you'll have seen that there's no logical pattern to its content. I tell you though, the content that _is_ there is really me. Probably more than my closest friends would have known. It has been very cathartic for me to be able to write this stuff down, and even more so to have it be read and have people pray for me. There are so many things I wrestle with daily.

Tell me what this blog has been for you. Has it spoken to you in some way? Has it made you cry? Has it made you laugh? Stylistically, has it been decent? Has my writing style and composition improved? Have I held back where you would have liked me to have gone further? Things kinda just hit me, and I write them down. If there are questions, I will answer.

Ask my wife, I relish feedback.


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I give him up to you

God, I give this to you,
that of my son.
I give you a most treasured and precious possession,
that of my responsibilities,
my duties,
my service towards Nate.
I give his care into your hands.
This pushes my heart to its limit.
I have felt so guilty, so sad, so heavy,
not being able to care for him.
I have jealously held on to it,
and not let anyone take it away from me.
And this action has not gone well for me.
This is not something parents are supposed to do.
I consciously decided to be a parent to this child,
and I do not give this up lightly.
I do not forget him.
I do not stop loving him.
God, that which you had given me on his birth,
I find so difficult to give back.
God, give me now the peace in knowing
that you are taking care of him,
and that I'll see him again.

What hath been lost? What hath been gained?

Lord, what hath been lost?
I don't even know what "lost" means anymore.
I see movies of toddler Ani or toddler Nate and I feel such loss.
I am reminded by your word that there is a place by your side with Nate waiting through your Son's sacrifice. Down here, right now, my tears are not wiped away. My scars remain on my body and heart and the days seem so very long indeed.


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Observations

I sometimes just say "Nate-Nate" over and over in the car because my mouth misses saying it. It makes me cry.

There are times where I want to think my pain is bigger than other people's. Like "I know pain that you have never felt". I don't know where it comes from because more than anything I want to be understood.

Some things about Nate that stick out for anyone who did not know him on Earth:
o Without ever being asked, at 2 1/2 years old, he started helping me load/unload the dishwasher.

o He started helping me unload the shopping cart while he was still sitting in it.

o I could never get him to understand that as I was holding him, just before placing him in bed, when I would say "Hug and kiss Nate", that it was me that wanted to hug and kiss him. Instead he would hug and kiss me. Even when I would say "No, _Daddy_ hug Nate and _Daddy_ kiss Nate" he would still hug and kiss me first. I happily gave up trying to correct him and relished in his displays of affection and displayed mine to him afterwards.

o The women at Nate's daycare would give him the puzzles to put bak together at the end of the day because he was faster than they were.




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