I struggle

I struggle to be better every day. But the tornado took the best parts of me. I start with such a deficit.

Stripped

Stripped bare, naked, shivering, vulnerable. Grief and loss can take everything away. It can leave you with what seems like just the darker parts of yourself. The parts you don't want to see. It seems like everything good about you is gone.

Ani, the sunset is beautiful, what do you see? Do you see the colors you used to tell me about? Ani, the music around us is beautiful, what do you hear? Do you hear the interplay of the instruments? The story they tell? Ani, your voice is beautiful to me, what else do you want to say? What are your wishes; what are your opinions? I pray for your fixed eyesight. Even if your eyesight were fully returned, I would pray for more. I pray for joy and fun in your life. Even if I knew you enjoyed life, I would pray for more. I pray for your voice to be returned. Even if your speaking were restored, I would pray for more.

I am in anguish

Lord, I am in anguish,

I cannot forget the Ani before the tornado,
yet I cannot use her as a benchmark for the current Ani.
Why must I think of Ani as 2 different persons?
How much of her is "in there", God?
How much should I talk about singing? About dancing?
Does "never giving up on Ani" mean that I won't be satisfied until she can do what the old Ani could do?
Where would she be satisfied?
I can certainly still laugh all the way down to my heart with Ani.
I love her more every day, and tell her so.
Oh that I could love Ani as simply as Micah does,
I am burdened with more knowledge than he has.

Back when..,

I remember silly jokes, daddy requests and songs,
Back when my girl could talk.

I remember twirling till I was dizzy, pushing till it seemed the swingset would collapse,
Back when my girl could move.

I remember the world looking different, colors more vibrant, and noticing things I would have overlooked,
Back when my girl could see.

I remember the hugs, the kisses, changing diapers and brushing teeth,
Back when I could hold my boy.

I remember seeing myself,
Back when I could see my boy.


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So many things Ani

There are so many things I want to show you Ani,
But some of them are no longer accessible or pertinent.

There are so many activities I want to participate in with you,
But some of them are irrelevant now.

However, you already share so much with me, love of family, love of music, etc. I promise to try not to dwell on things irrelevant, but on things that can be dear to you.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

While my...

I see my girl, and I notice she's lonely,
While my guitar gently weeps.

I see my girl, and I notice she's hurting,
While my guitar gently bleeds.

I see my girl, and I notice she's crying,
While my guitar gently suffers.

I see my girl, and I notice she's broken,
While my guitar gently twinges.

I see my girl, and I see my girl yet,
Still my guitar gently weeps.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad