Sadness and shadows

There is a place of sadness and shadows in my heart, in my soul.
When I look into it, it feels cramped and dank.
There are forgotten things scattered on the floor, things lost and mourned.
Though cramped, this place seems infinite, accepting everything thrown into it.
There’s a one way door, with a window.
I observe what’s in there, but I can’t get things back.
Into this place spills my unheard “I love you, Nate”.
My heart bursts with this phrase, unable to give it to my son.
With him gone, my un-shown love is pulled into the shadows, lost on the floor.
And my heart goes on filling with my love for my son.

Ani, I am still with you.

Ani, though you've only been at camp 2 days, it's felt like years.
I am with you right now.
I still whisper my daily prayer to you as I pass your empty room these mornings.
You are with me right now.
I try to sense in the empty space, what can I do to serve you, to comfort you, to strengthen you.
I see you through the eyes of my heart.
I have pledged you to God, I have pledged myself to God, I have asked God for the job of caring for you.
I wait to hear your words to release me.
I want so very much to pay back my failure to protect you 5 years ago.

Ani at camp

My dear daughter, you are at camp and I am almost beside myself because I feel so out of place. I’m not serving you, nobody in your family is serving you, and though I trust those around you, they’re not your family. The conflict within me between “she needs to have her own experiences without me” and the “I need to serve her” is difficult. The camp called and she is uncomfortable and did not sleep well. Is she homesick? Is it actual pain? This was not the call I wanted. The only call I wanted was after a few days to be told that she’s having a blast. Well, she’s a complicated child, and I talked with the consoler and gave her some advice, and now Ani is calm and comfortable. I hope she naps and gets back some sleep. I feel so guilty for leaving town while she is at camp, but I think things will go better as they “learn Ani”.

How did Micah get like Ani?

Christy was telling that Micah was doing a sing-song sort of prayer the other night.
Kinda looking up with his eyes half-closed, fluttering, with this "over-emotive" sort of look on his face.
Singing: "Iiiiii loooooovvvveeee myyyyyy familyyyyyyyyyyy", waving his arms dramatically.

I can close my eyes, and perfectly picture Ani behaving EXACTLY this way. Micah has started to sing (better than Ani), and is very interested in the instruments that Christy and I play. We have this "March around the house" game we play, but before we start marching, Micah makes us all get instruments (percussion). It's so cool that he considers holding an instrument just a natural part of expressing yourself. I am so excited to watch him grow. He has such emotional depth, and so much to say.

Ani has touched so many...

I just found out, in a roundabout way, that Ani's pediatrician at Gillette "Has a special place in his heart for Ani". I've spoken with him many times, and he is a great guy, and a great doctor. He is an incredible "active listener". He fully believes that "Ani is in there", and he has complimented us on being a big art of her recovery.
We've gotten notes from Church and school on how they love Ani being with them.
I am humbled by how Ani has affected and enhanced people's lives. I am truly grateful for her. I am truly grateful to be able to tell her directly that I love her, and see her big smile. She is so much more than how she looks on the outside. I know that she'll continue to affect people throughout her life.
I really want to stay by her side and see how she changes this world.

If you could see inside me, my children.

My children, if you could see inside me, see just a part of my heart, you would understand.
My words are inadequate.
My songs are inadequate.
My hugs are inadequate.
If you could peek inside my heart, you would see the love and warmth there that would surprise you with its intensity.
You would never feel cold inside.
You would never feel alone.
You would never feel like nobody cares.
You are, in a way, an extension of my heart.
You take me with you wherever you go.
Having said that, it's not me that I want people to see when they meet you.
No, your own heart is what is apparent.
And I am immensely proud when your own inner warmth shows to others.
Proud to be a partner with you.

Enemies

I just heard a coworker talking to another coworker about the Boston bombing.
This man had fought in the Iraq (2nd) war.
He kept going on and on that that we have enemies that want to kill us.
He said that as much as the "liberal bumper stickers want to say otherwise", this is the reality of our situation.
That we need to remain vigilant.

Well.
That's all as may be, but I would like to interject a little rational thinking.
We currently have no idea who performed the bombing.
What purpose does it serve to even begin down a path like this?
It furthers only fear and hatred. What would he say if it was a domestic terrorist?
If a domestic terrorist, what if this person is conservative or liberal? Or just anti-government?
I'm not saying that we should lighten our search, or that feelings of anger are not to be expected...
I'm just saying vigilance can coexist with love. Vigilance does not require hatred or fear for fuel.