Sleep

Sleep, Ani, sleep.
I've always got your medicines ready.
Rest, gather your strength.
There's no responsibilities for you to worry about.
Heal, incorporate your successes from yesterday.
I'll always notice your victories.
Wake when you're ready.
I'll be at your side.
I'll carry you through the day.
I'll keep you under my wing.
Part of me is always watching over you.

Confusion

There are times when a part of me scolds the other parts of me for living my life, having fun. Why am I not totally sacrificial?  I know I need to feed myself too, grow, learn. My ongoing grief drags me under water. I feel guilty sometimes for "daring to take time to learn Violin".  

It's not fair.

It's not fair. Just saying. 

I see the homework emails from Ani's teacher...I want to be doing these with Ani. She can't write a book report or do research. Oh God, we are just trying to get a good "Yes/No" indication from her. 

It's not fair. I want it to be different. 

Ok. I'm done, had to get that out. 

Could you hear me?

Could you hear me?

Was I with you as you slipped away from us?

I can still feel what it was like to yell for my missing child. 

Straining as if yelling for you could drag you closer to me. 

The constricting cloud of uncertainty clenching my heart. 

Even now, maybe I'm still yelling for you. 

Maybe my soul is still straining to drag you near to me.

Can you hear me?

God, as always, send my words to my son. 

I win.

Last night, as I sang and played to Ani, I stopped and talked to her. 

I told her that I thought I was blessed to serve her, and blessed to be able to play for her, as she obviously enjoys it. 

I was in the middle of telling her that I thank God for my talents to play/sing for her and she raised her hands for "Yes". 

I laughed, then stopped and said "Wait, YOU thank God for me and my singing??"  

She raised her hands for "Yes". 

I said "Seriously, you thank God for me??"

She raised her hands and smiled big!

So, I win.

I'm still gonna keep playing though...I might win some more. :)

I wish you could see Ani through my eyes.

I wish you could see the Ani that I'm blessed to see throughout the week.
I don't get to see all of her all the time, only pieces shine through the veil once in a while.
I see the Ani that sings with me, and adds a vocalization in exactly the right spot in songs.
I see the Ani whose eyes say "I love you".
I see the Ani whose mouth tries to say "I love you", but can't.
I see the Ani who responds "Yes" before I can even finish the question; "Do you want me to cuddle with you on the couch?".
I see the Ani who has so many different smiles, Joy, Happiness, Mirth, Love.
I see the Ani who loves to have her feet rubbed.
I see the Ani who more-or-less rolls her eyes at her 3 year old brother.
I see the Ani whose eyes light up when her brother kisses her goodnight.
I see the Ani who has a spirit perhaps stronger than my own.
I see the Ani who loves when I finish playing a song by closing it with a G-major chord.
I see the Ani who enjoyed solid food by mouth so much, but now we can't do it anymore.
I see the Ani who still loves Disney princesses.
I see the Ani that still resides within.

You never know what will hit me.

Just found out last night that somebody in our small group went to Nate's funeral. It hit me as such a display of honor to Nate, that I was kind of speechless. I know that so many people went, more than I will ever know. Apart from the sadness of the day, the feeling of Nate's impact, of the honor that people were giving Nate sticks with me, and always will. I'll never forget leaving Church to an honor guard and a bag piper. Who was Nate to everybody?  What impact did Nate have on you, directly or as a result of his loss?  I'll never know the scope of this, it's too massive for little me to think about.