Poem about Ani

Take the love from my heart,

shine a sunrise on it. 

There you’ll see my daughter. 

Greater than the expanse

of the night sky with its stars,

is her importance to me. 

Her love and spirituality humbles me,

that I should be her father. 

Whither my guilt Lord?

May it affect me in ways unknown?

Do I question myself in light of that guilt?

Do I express this unknowingly?

I’m sorry to those I hurt wrongly. 

Who knows all their demons. 

God only knows our unknown motivations. 

Whither my anxiety?

Is it strangely driven here?

What do I release to you?

What do I cling to wrongly?

Sir,

Yes, you, talking to your daughter between dance classes. 

Do you see how big you are in her eyes?

What if she couldn’t see you?

Do you notice her hanging on your words?

Do you notice her side of the conversation?

What if she couldn’t speak to you?

Do you know the impact of your attention on her?

What if she couldn’t dance?

What if she couldn’t respond?

From the little I’ve seen, your love wouldn’t change. 

What else goes with the unbearable sadness of losing a child?

An overwhelming fear. 

A fear of “What will I do?”

Where will I go?

How will I live?

A fear that amplifies the sorrow. 

The constant fear goes away faster than the feeling of loss. 

But it lurks forever. 

Waiting to strike. 

Making you look around in a panic. 

Making the sadness come back in a wave. 

A wave you never saw coming. 

A wave that washes you back to the event in a current you can’t fight. 

A current you just ride and try not to drown. 

As the metaphor of a current implies you get soaked, so are you soaked with fear for a time. 

Battling to return to normalcy. 

Your body rebels against me as I dress you.

Ani, I know that’s not you.
Your smile awakens to the sound of my “Good morning”.

Ani, I know that’s you.
Your awareness seems to dissipate into the air sometimes.

Ani, I know that’s not you.
I envy your total submission to the simple pleasure of a warm bath.
Ani, I know that’s you.
Precious is your image in my eyes.
Precious is your voice in my mind.
Precious is your presence in my heart.

Ani

Is it fair?

That sometimes I think of you as a different person than you were?

That sometimes I look in your face, searching for the you from before. 

That I feel bad you aren’t different?

That I sometimes take solace from your smile and give nothing back?

That I expect more from you?

That sometimes I don’t expect anything from you?

Am I fair to who you are and what you want and need?

Truthfully, that question is what I most want answered in my life. 

Ani Christmas present poem 2/11/18

Ani,

It strikes me that I have not taught you who my heroes are.

I would think this would have been a subject that would have come about through normal conversations between us.

Now I am forced to think specifically about things I wish to tell you.

Certainly Jesus is one of my heroes.  He had the power over the entire universe, but chose not to use it, even to save his own life.  He had the same temptations that I have, but he was able to resist them.

He had fears, even to dying, but he overcame them.

I speak to you of these qualities for two reasons.

I wish that I had them in more effectiveness,

and that I think that you have them in higher quality than I.

That makes _you_ one of my heroes.

You really have power over nothing, requiring our care for everything.

Yet you choose to show yourself to us.  You hold nothing back.  Where others (and possibly myself) would retreat from the world that wounded us, you _choose_ to bring your love and joy to others.

I would believe that, were I in your situation, I would be tempted to resent everything, and have that fester towards a hatred and antipathy towards everything.  Again, you show your hero quality here.  I have never seen you have anything but love that cannot help but shine out from you.

Of course I have other heroes, from science, music, etc.  Even Mommy represents a massive positive influence in my life, but I’m not sure the word “hero” is what she is to me.  None of my other heroes have influenced those parts of me that form a foundation of who I want to be.

Ani, you are one of my top heroes, and I want to be more like you.