Orphaned

Technically I guess that I am an orphan (as some have coined it) now that both of my parents have died. I don't really feel like that though, I have so many people that care for me that I don't have that lonely feeling that I associate with the word "orphan". I have (now that I've realized it) several families: Blood family, church family, band family, work family, friends family, and it goes on. There are still people I look up to, and people I feel I must "be strong for", so I don't really feel like an orphan.

Some of the things I miss about Nate

Hugging
His smacking kisses
Teddy (because he meant so much to Nate)
Our "surprised face" game just before going to brush his teeth
"Kakah klease" (cracker please)
Stamping feet run
"Choo-choo"
Giving him a bath
How he would run to the front of the car, point at the radiator and say "Hot"
"Who lives in a barn" game
Little Einsteins color and shape book reading
Hearing his crib music box in the morning
"Da-da!"
Tickling
Him helping me with the stuff in the dishwasher
Changing his diaper
"Vroom-vroom" game in the shopping cart
"Kakah klease" (because he said it so often, it's in here twice)
Finding trains all over the house
The sound of the motorized Thomas the tank engine all day long
Searching for Teddy for night time
"Nite-nite da-da"
Him kissing Ani good night (both of them were usually so sweet to each other)
"Suuuuuuuuuue!" when Auntie Sue would come over
"Einteins"
How he looked up into my eyes with the "you are everything" look
How I felt when I could tell him directly that I loved him

Sometimes I get stuck

Sometimes I just get stuck thinking about Nate and Ani and can't figure out what to do next. My mind just seems a blank and can't get restarted. It usually only lasts a couple minutes, but it's a very helpless feeling.

Christmas is still christmas...

As I've been preparing myself for the coming family get-togethers that will now be missing 2 more beloved family members, I've told myself that it just won't be Christmas without them. However, really, it's just the opposite, and for a very good reason. The fact that Jesus came here to pay our debt doesn't change when your son or mother dies, in fact it should really give us more hope, since we have been given grace to be able to see them again. Now, certainly it will be sadder to get together with family without Nate and Mom, but Jesus' promise hasn't changed, and remembering that might make the whole season just a little bit easier to get through.

I'll still cry for my son, and for not being able to see his eyes light up, but I'll see those eyes again some day.

Relationships...

So, for some reason, I've been pondering the statement "Money can't buy happiness/love". Probably because of the commercialization surrounding Christmas. What I think brings you happiness and love is your relationships. Your relationships with God, family, friends, co-workers. I think that maybe what gets in the way here is sort of a defensive reaction when you want to display or receive emotions from others. While it's an accepted form of comedy to say "I love you man", it's not always socially accepted to say that and really mean it. Maybe if we were more honest with others or ourselves regarding our emotions, life would be happier.

Money can certainly buy pleasure, but it's fleeting and insubstantial. It's an instantaneous feeling, not a grounded and persistent feeling like happiness or love.

Just my rambling...

Enjoying my siblings' company

I have really enjoyed being in my siblings' (including my in-laws) company this past week, even given the circumstances. I am reminded again at how blessed I am to have a great family. We have our disagreements of course, but that's what they are, just disagreements. I love my family completely.

I want to be able to spend more time with them, so I'm going to work on how to do that...

Let's not change any plans...

I am so pleased that everybody's behind going to our band concert tonight. It really is a different world for us for a little while, and lets us release a different part of ourselves. I'm even more pleased at how many of my family is coming tonight. I know that Mom wanted to go, and now so many of my family are attending. It's a great pleasure.