Nate, I can feel you...

I see your picture, and close my eyes.
I feel your soft hair under my fingertips.
I feel your shoulders and back under my hand.
I feel your kiss upon my left cheek.
I hear you asking for a cracker.
How has it been 2 years my son?
How do I feel this tension between
remembering you like it was yesterday I put you to bed,
but like forever since I played with you?
Ani's condition reminds me every day,
and if I let it, nearly every moment I'm with her,
that you're somewhere else.  I'm reminded
that I want to be there with you.

Ani's progress

Well, lots has happened.  Ani has had her hip surgery and gotten through it OK.  She still a bit stiff and sore.  Her left knee still is stiff, and a bit swollen.  It took my leg a long time to bend correctly too.

She had her shunt surgery too.  She's gotten through that well, had a little reaction to one of the antibiotics, but she's a real trooper (and loves to hear you tell her that!).  I've already seen some improvement, the tension in her neck and eyes seems better already, even just the day after.  We'll have to see what comes.

News...

Well, I should have posted before this, a lot has been happening.

Ani has had her hip and leg surgery, and has gotten out of her cast.  It was so nice to give her a bath again and ease her aches.  It feels good to soothe her and give her some peace of body.  She will continue to get more limber in her hip and knee, she's been sooooo stiff from being in a mostly body cast for nearly 2 months.  Now for the more difficult news, we went to see a neurologist about Ani's MRI.  He came in the room with a "Understanding hydrocephalus" book.  Didn't want to see that.  So, that's the current diagnosis.  She will have to have a shunt done (scheduled for April 21st), but the neurologist is optimistic about the gains Ani might make.  Improvement in muscle relaxation, and maybe even her stomach and gut functions!  That would be nice.  The good news through all this was that I watched the MRI animation and saw NO VOIDS in Ani's skull other than the increased size of her ventricles (where the Cerebral Spinal Fluid is produced).  So, all in all, it wasn't the _worst_ answer (which would have been that a lot of Ani's brain is just gone), but it wasn't the "Well, we can't see anything wrong now, she should just pop out of it soon" answer either.  Probably the most realistic answer though, it can explain why her stomach and muscles both went south at pretty much the same time.

Now for the other big, exciting news.  We are going to adopt a newborn!  In our circle of friends is a man with a 15 year old daughter who is pregnant and due in Mid-June.  She has come to the mature realization that the baby's life comes first, and that she cannot be a mommy at 15.  She agreed to place the baby, and then suggested to her mother that they talk to Christy and I.  I have met Katie, the birth mother, a few times, and she certainly knows of our tragedy.  The baby is a boy.  When I think about this situation, I'm kinda in a dreamlike state, but unlike the nightmare dreamlike state I was in for weeks following the tornado, this is a good dream.  I am so excited, and nervous as well.  I'm not scared, I've been through 2 newborns before and have a good idea of what to expect.  I also have an incredible idea of the love I want to give to this baby.  I have such a stockpile that wants to be expressed to a child here on earth.  I pray to send my love to Nate every night too, but there's still so much left over.  I am in the process of securing an attorney for the adoption.  Last year for our company benefits, I signed up for the legal services, which turns out to be about 10 dollars a pay period.  So, for $260 this year, the legal benefits will pay all the lawyer costs for the adoption!  Good timing.

Just talked with Ani

She kept her head towards the right, towards me, with her eyes locked on my face for 15 minutes.  She didn't startle, and reacted to pretty much everything I said. It was really cool.  Wonder Pets was on and she paid attention to me the whole time.

I miss Nate...

Tonight, my thoughts dwell on Nate...
How every time I do the dishes, he should be there to help me load/unload the dishwasher.
How that time I was at daycare to pick them up, he saw me out the window while I was getting Ani, and when I went out of view to go through the door, he was devastated because he thought I was leaving him.  He was just about a wreck when I came back in his room to get him, and he cried on my shoulder.  I felt bad for that having happened to him, but I didn't _try_ to do it.  The pain seems all the stronger now when I think about it.  I hope there's dishwashers in heaven so Nate and I can work together again.

Trying out a new prayer...Any comments?

Oh God, bless your child Annika that you have given us.
Bless her with enhanced healing,
Bless her with peace of body,
Bless her with joy in spirit,
Bless her with the power of speech again,
Bless her with the ability to eat again,
Bless her with her sweet power of expression again,
Bless her with purposeful movement of body again,
Bless her with fully functional sight again,
Most of all, heavenly Father,
Bless her through knowledge of you,
your infinite grace,
and that of your Son's sacrifice,
through whom we may all dance with Nate again.
Amen

I see

Oh Nate, I see you.
I see you every day.
I see you in people, and the way they walk.
I see you in what my wedding ring represents.
I see you in the existence of life, in the brevity we spend here on earth.
I see you in the way I think and solve problems.
Oh Ani, I see you too.
In the lilt of a laugh.
In the expression of a dancer.
In the shimmer of people's eyes when they smile, in every sunrise and every subset.
Ani, I see you in my simple decision to wake up and enter my day.
My children, I see you every day because you have forever affected the way I see everything. I can't help but see you, simply because, I see.


-- Post From My iPhone