Ani is vocalizing more

Just this weekend, Ani has been vocalizing more and more. Tonight she was looking me in the eye and vocalizing with me as I sang "Kiss the girl" from Little Mermaid. She "had that look" that told me that she was singing and that she knew that _I_ knew that she was singing. I wonder what factors have been involved with this. Her voice seems fuller, stronger since the tonsillectomy. I wonder also if those tonsils were quite painful and irritating. I also wonder now, if she isn't finally catching up on "good sleep" that she hasn't been getting for some time because of snoring and apnea.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Hospitals

Hospitals
Does the joy outshine the sadness?
Relief outweigh the pain?
Hospitals feel so different to me now.
What I notice now is the range of emotions...
In the faces of family
In the faces of patients
In the faces of the nurses
What really gets to me, and it's the same at nursing homes, is the "far off look", like there's nothing to live for, no hope. I've come back from that place, and it's too easy to pull me back again.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

See me?

Do you see me when I'm made shallow? When my eyes see nothing? When I'm detached and feeling small When the music fails to sing to me? - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

For Ani

I "helped" Ani open her Christmas presents, and I really got the feeling that she enjoyed it. I can get so angry at the world for what happened to Ani. I will do everything for her, but I'm angry at the fact she's lost pretty much everything. But what good does being angry do? I let it go, but it comes back sometimes. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Micah, my son

Micah, do you notice me passing my fingers through your hair? I'm trying to burn that feeling into my hand, so that I could never forget it. Do you feel my hand on your back as you play? I want your warmth with me when I'm alone. Do you hear the tone of my voice when I say "I love you"? I want you to hear those words down deep to your very soul. Do you notice me balancing keeping you safe and letting you explore and experience? This is the hardest thing I do right now. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

If I had one "selfish" prayer answered

I would have Ani be able to tell me the following things:

I love you daddy, and mommy, Nate and Micah

I know that you and the rest of my family love me

God has asked me to stay strong

I asked Jesus to save me, I want to be in heaven

I understand that you and mommy and the doctors are trying their best to help me

I understand that my injury is not a punishment from God for something I did

I remember Nate, and I miss him

I understand everything you say

I am learning new things every day



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Micah's future

Sometimes I’m afraid, afraid of Micah growing up. Afraid that he won’t have the chance at growing up to an adult. Afraid that something will happen to his future, like my other two. Afraid that I’ll compare Ani’s future to Micah’s future. Afraid that I won’t be there to see the man he’ll become.