Funerals for children...Do.Not.Want

I attended yet another funeral for the child of a friend of mine today. In all, that's 3 in just under a year. Lord, if you want me to pass on my experience and to help my friends, maybe you could help me through the first couple verses of "Amazing Grace". Once I get to "My chains are gone...", I can sing the refrain.

Humble me, Lord

Humble me before Ani, Lord. Let my energies go towards her care, primarily.

Humble me before Micah, Lord. Let patience be my guiding virtue.

Humble me before Christy, Lord. Let a serving heart show my love and leadership to her.

Humble me before my family, Lord. Let me lead through being supportive.

Humble me before you, Lord. Let me feel your Spirit beside me as I pray in gratitude for your Son's sacrifice for me, for your promise I will see Nate again.

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Nate and Ani, I see other kids here and I wonder how it would have been to have been here with you. I would have tried to have been patient, but I'm sure I would have failed a bit. I don't know how healthy it is to keep wondering about the "if only, times", but I can't help it. My mind always tries to put you both by my side, then I "snap back", usually painfully.


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Emotions

Ani, my light...
I have become more and more excited about your future, but I am so frail when it comes to handling the bumps in the road. When you had your allergic reaction the other day, my world started crashing down. My goodness, I need to be stronger than that to serve you to the best of my ability. Forgive me for my temporary weaknesses. Perhaps that carried forward last night into my singing and playing for you. I don't believe I've ever played and sang that emotionally for you ever before. I've certainly never sung the "ABCs" with such a depth of love before. I keep trying to explain to you that every note I sing and every note I play says "I love you", but it had never been more true than last night, and it surprised me. Every note was both mine and yours at the same time. Ani, I hope you can hear the emotion from me. Perhaps I'm trying to ensure that you never have a doubt about my love for you...That you are so worthy of _being_ loved, by me and, by extension and explanation, by God. I try so hard to explain to you that your worth is not tied to the things you can do or cannot do. You are loved simply because you are you.
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Grace

Lord, you have shown such compassion on our family since our tragedy. The introduction of Micah to our family and the healing he has brought, and now the improvements in Ani in the last few weeks. She has never looked and behaved "so much like Ani" since the tornado as now. Thank you for guiding us towards this combinations of medications to control her seizures. I pledge to you now that when she gets her voice back, I will formally add "Grace" to her name. I have been calling her "Annika Aili Grace Prindle" for a wile now, and I will explain to anyone why we have added another middle name to her.


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"Daddy..."

Daddy look! My scars are gone!
Yes dear, they are.
You heard me? Daddy, I can talk again!!
Yes dear, you are perfect here.
Can we dance?
Yes.
Can we sing?
All the time.
Daddy...where's Nate-nate?
Right beside you dear. Give him a hug.


I may not cry in sadness in heaven, but I'll cry nonetheless.

Ani, my teacher

Ani, what have I learned from you?

I have learned to differentiate body and soul. Your body doesn't work well, but your soul lights my darkest moments.

I have learned that no victory is too small. Victories cannot be nullified by a subsequent failure. You have been SO victorious.

I have learned even more, that true strength is not of a physical nature. Your perseverance through this has shown me a glimpse of the strength Jesus showed during his ordeal.

I have learned the power of the words "I love you", for both the speaker and receiver. I have learned that there are also SO MANY ways to tell Annika Aili Grace Prindle that I love her without using those three words. How infinitely more ways does the Holy Trinity tell me that I am loved.

I have learned sacrifice, Ani. I have asked God so many times to take your place that I should no longer exist. You are worth more than I could ever have or deserve.

I have learned to smile through the adversity. My ability to make you smile with mirth, as well as fulfillment gives me so much more than I feel I give back.

Last, but certainly not least, I have learned about beauty. You are beautiful when I use my eyes to see you. You are beautiful when I use my heart to see you. You are beautiful in your joy to be with me. I am constantly stunned at how beautiful you are. I am so glad that your beauty shines to other people. I pray most fervently that the beauty of your voice, whether in song or expression, be restored to this world that so needs it.