Everything is relative

There's a new guy here at work. He's a digital artist. He seems quite intelligent.
He's in a chair.
He has a vibrant mind.
He can express himself well.
He can control his surroundings.
He can use his arms.
He makes a difference.

I'm sure he has no idea that I pray that Ani can get to his level.

Time, magnified

There are faith songs that try to tell me that my time here on earth is only for a little while...stay tuned and my tears will be wiped away. I believe all that, but my pain and longing magnify the weariness that time here brings. My separation from Nate is a constant pain, and it sometimes blinds me from remembering where he is and that I'll see him again. It was quite difficult to drive today, looking through tear filled eyes. I haven't cried like that in a while. God, what I need is strength and patience. I want to fulfill whatever purpose you have for me.

"Which smile holds my future?"

That's the question that Ani asked in my dream. So, obviously, it's really me asking. I've been thinking about this a lot. I think it's associated with an experience I had with Ani driving home from shopping with her. Here I'm telling her that I enjoy just _being_ with her, I love her no matter what she can do or what she can't do. But in the next instant, after I've finished speaking, I feel low, pulled down by the weight of her disabilities. "Which smile holds my future": I know that in some ways this question means "What face do I put on when I'm with Ani to help her get to her future", but on other levels I understand that it's about ME too. How do I choose to face the future with her? What face do I put on to help ME get through this? I need to be strong, faithful, and hopeful for both of us, not just Ani. If I'm not helping to strengthen myself, how can I hope to help strengthen Ani?

Hero

My greatest aspiration in life is to be a hero to my family.


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Me

To those of you who read my words here and also see me in real life...Do my words ever come back to you when you see me? Do you wonder where my words come from? You've "seen me" at my lowest points here in this blog, do you wonder how I keep up "the brave face"? What questions would you ask me? Am I too dark in here?


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All of me in her, Lord.

Sleep, my child...
Gather your strength.
Face this world when you can.
God, be with her as she rests.
Give her comfort.
Give her strength.
Give her healing.
Give her resolve.
For I need recharging also,
and _all_ my requests start with
her, and not for myself.


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What I'm doing

I try, I really try to forget everything sometimes...
Well, that's not really true...
I try to not let all this define who I am...
Well, that's not really true either...
I try to not let everything overwhelm me.
Yeah, that's what I do.
For small amounts of time, I find diversions.
Diversions that relieve me of the sadness.
That relieve me of the huge responsibilities.
Let's face it, while what happened doesn't _define_ me,
I am a product of all I've been through.
Friends remind me sometimes of thing's I've said in my past,
like in high school, and I wonder who that was?
Who was I before all this?
I am who I am, and I'm trying so hard to keep learning,
to keep bettering myself with respect to my relating to others.
I can't let myself weaken, for Ani's sake,
for Micah's sake,
for Christy's sake.
That doesn't mean that I can't be tender,
or even vulnerable, just that I can't stop
seeking hope, seeking peace, seeking inner strength.