A truckload of "why?"

Why didn't I get you first?

Why were you blown away from me?

Were you dying while I tried to fix my leg?

Did you want to hear my voice?

Why couldn't I hold you at the end?

Were you frightened?

I couldn't help you, nobody could. 

I wish I would have thought to yell "I love you" one last time. 

I replay your situation a lot in my mind. 

Why was I spared and you taken away?

A day is too long to hold this pain, but Nate, I've had this for eight years. 

I'm drowning

KI feel like I'm drowning and have tried all the ways to swim, but nothing works. Then someone asks me if there's another way to swim. 

I have tried every way I know to help Micah's behavior. I've tried every form of consequence, but nothing really stick. I've asked how he's feeling so many different ways, I wonder if he feels like he's drowning too. 

I'm praying every which way from Sunday to give me guidance or give him guidance. 

I'm staying with him forever, and I have told him that many times. It's not possible for me to give up. 

Is this what it's like to be tortured?  Feeling like you're dying, but you don't?

I feel like I'm failing him in all I do. And if I'm asked for more ideas, then those will fail him too. Right now it feels like every mistake in my life, every bad word I said to a crazy driver is a failure leading to his downfall. 

I'm so sorry

A while ago, somebody told me "I'm so sorry for the pain you've been living with", relating to th tornado and losing Nate and Ani being hurt. 

I say the same to you readers. I'm sorry. Tell me of your pain so I can understand and pray for you. 

Forgive me,

Father, I made a mistake, will you forgive me?

Always, my son. 

Who is the father and son?  Micah and I?  Or God and me?

Both. But my response to Micah pales in comparison to my God's. 

Good end to an emotional day.

During Ani's nitetime ritual, I had to answer the phone. After about 5 minutes or so, Ani vocalized with something that i instantly interpreted as a "Come back to me". What joy at being spoken to by Ani! Later, we were talking about my Mom and I asked her if she remembered Grandma Prindle. She most certainly responded positively. All I did was talk with her tonight. Very little singing, and she was still happy.

My amazing girl.

What’s in it for me?

Is my faith based on what I get out of it?  Do I have faith because that’s the only way I can see Nate again?  Probably the only way I’ll dance with Ani again?  It shouldn’t be like that.  My faith should be based on a decision to follow, to commit myself.  However, I can’t shake the feeling that this is not how my decision was made.

 

I want to run, I want to sit still, I want to throw something, I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to remain silent and motionless.  This is my silent battle over Nate not being with me.  I held his train near me, just now, and listened to it whir.  Oh how easily I could close my eyes and transport myself back to a time without this pain.  It was almost unstoppable, the urge to call out to him and give him his train.  Easily, the images of our old house came to mind; where had the train stopped this time?  Under the couch?  Under the cabinet?  Then I open my eyes and put the train back on my desk, feeling lost and diminished.