Point the way please, my eyes are clouded. 

It happens before I know it. 

Which way is the wind blowing?

What is my course?

The black cloud obscures my landmarks sometimes, causing me to drift. 

Questioning, I search for direction. 

Where am I?

Who am I?

Who do I try to be?

At times, hopes and dreams are so fleeting. 

At times I just want to be led. 

Tiring, I just want to sleep. 

Not to decide, not to discern. 

While walking, I awaken and choose my way, hoping to keep pointing straight the next time my eyes are clouded. 

The weight of "Why?"

Oh Nate,

I am more because of your life, and diminished by your death.  The weight of “Why?” causes me to fixate on your absence instead of anticipating our eventual reunion.

The weight of “Why?” causes me to shout your name in anger and sorrow while driving, forgetting the depth of love I once used while saying your name.

The weight of “Why?” keeps me in the moments of your life where I am ashamed of my behavior; the times I yelled at you, or stayed at the computer instead of dancing with you.

The weight of “Why?” binds me to this earthly existence and my weaknesses, when there is such strength and peace and love elsewhere.

The weight of “Why?” places more importance on our separation than the time we had you here.

Nate, I am more now than I ever was.  You have enriched me more than any loss can take away.  I promise to struggle against the weight of “Why?” every day, for you.

Thief, enemy, stalking and hunting from the shadows.
You took nearly everything from me.
A devastating wind?  Or more?
I know what I felt.
Death, I've seen you, and I'm not afraid anymore.
Death, I'll still fight you to remain with those I serve. You have no power over my feelings of love or duty. I WILL take those beyond my grave. I will remain until my duty is discharged.
Now be off, and let me remain with my memories of my blessed time with Nate. Take your dirty feelings of dread and let my heart feel the warmth of love again.

I haven't cried for you lately,
where have my tears gone?
Have I been enjoying life?
What would me from 7 years ago think?
You were ripped from me.
Alone you died, scared,
without your daddy.
I was left behind,
bleeding from a jagged
wound in my heart.
There are no sutures able to close it.
But apparently I can somehow ignore it for some time.
Nate, it's not like I want to cry all the time, but I want to always be aware of the good parts of me I got form your life.

Dreaming

If we shared a dream, Ani.
What would you say to me?  I need your voice to speak love.
What music would play during our dance?  I need your feelings to live in this world.
Would you tell me about sunsets again?  I need your eyes to see beauty.
Would you talk about love?  I need your heart to treat others truly.
Would you share your faith?  I need your strength to keep me from flying apart.
If we shared a dream, Ani, I would need help waking up, because I wouldn't want to leave.

People watching in the botanical gardens.

God blessed each person I see with grace, will, dreams, imagination, and love. 

All these people have vast minds and hearts. 

It occurs to me that even the numbers of stars in the galaxy pale to the number of thoughts and ideas passing me by. 

How many victories?

How many accomplishments?

How many losses and how much pain?

I realize that we all protect ourselves from the vast amounts of sorrow carried by our neighbors. 

Let's not add to that total of sadness by jumping on our differences. 

If you cannot help a person directly, then look upon them kindly, accept that they have value. 

Beauty abides within the love we have for each other. 

It's impossible to try to be empathetic to the sadness around us, we are finite.  Leave that to the one who has infinite compassion. Leave that to the one who supplies us anew each morning and moment with the love we need for each other. 

I am diminished, slouched over,

when my thoughts turn to Nate. 

My gaze lowers.

Looking at the ground, I can't see the sun. 

The clouds hide the sunset without Ani's words. 

Micah has lifted my feet from the pit. 

He's gotten me to peek at the stars. 

He presents me with an incredible future. 

But even he can't stop the storm clouds of the past from blowing in sometimes.