A visitor at the gravesite on the 14th anniversary

 While we were cleaning up Nate's marker and the trains around his marker, a lady came up to us.  She knew of our story and told us that her parents and lots of her family are buried in that cemetery.  She said she visits her parents' gravesite often, but also comes with her grandkids, and they visit Nate's site too.  Her grandkids have asked how such a young child could die.  Obviously a very difficult question to answer.  She showed great courage and sympathy to come over and talk with us.  I told her the story about how the CP employees sent a train engine out during Nate's burial.  She says that she hears the trains start up all the time at 5AM.  She lives very close to the cemetery, and the tracks are very near to Nate's gravesite.  She also said that one of her grandkids left a little toy Jeep to sit with all the trains that are all around Nate's marker.  Incredible that our story continues to affect people to this day.

14th anniversary poem

 Nate,

Where does my love go when I tell you I love you?

Does it kiss your cheek like a breeze, or does it echo in an airless void?

Where do my tears for you go?

Do they whisper to you as a brook, or sweep past you as a current?

My aching for you…

Do you feel my heart reaching for you?  Or am I grasping at empty air?

My faith says my words go to God, but my doubts and insecurities blind me.

 The grief of a child?

The grief came back as an avalanche as I was driving tonight.

I have been thinking about who else has suffered with us through our grief.

I had someone in mind to write about, and I will, but they are not the cause of the flood.

I was thinking about how I have taken Ani back to her old daycare to visit a couple of times.

Then I thought about Nate’s care givers there….I don’t know if they were invited to the funeral.

Then it hit me.

What about Nate’s friends there?

I know he was only 2 1/2, but they create friendships.

In a moment, my mind tried to comprehend the confusion and sadness of a child hearing that Nate will never come back again.

Combine that with my own feelings about Nate never coming back, and I just tumbled downwards.

My stomach dropped and I was shaken to my core.

Talking about it with Roger helped, but it is still coming back to me.

This will pass at some point too, but the confused sadness of a child is something that my heart and mind can’t take.

 A singsong day

Pastels lazy in the sky

Strangers who are not yet friends

A twirl and flip from unconstrained joy

Cuddles and quiet hugs

Princesses with birthdays

Now you know my daughter

What is the depth of my heart?

How much can I love?

Before my daughter was born,

I thought love could be measured. 

I thought love came from a finite heart. 

Ani proved me wrong. 

When she was born, a spark exploded.

It lit up a bottomless well. 

I cannot explain my love for my children

to myself, much less explain it to them. 

When you love, you allow yourself to be vulnerable. 

Vulnerable to incredible joy and sometimes 

incredible sadness. 

My children, regardless of where they are, keep my heart going. 

 Some updates:

I haven't posted in a while, and I apologize.  The "Covid season" has done a number on all of us.  We are all fine over here.  Christy, Ani and I are fully vaccinated, and we are so happy that Ani is protected.

Ani is back in school and loving the socializing.  She misses her friends so much, though she did get to see her friends through Zoom and such.  Her friends are so important to her.  We just had a status zoom meeting with her teachers at high school.  One of them is the girls choir director.  She says that Ani is SOOO happy to be in the group, and the other singers are really happy that Ani is enjoying herself.  I love the bonds that can be made even when communication (verbal) is difficult.

Micah is in a boys team in his gymnastics gym. Their team took 3rd in state this year!  Very proud that he has the focus and drive and enjoyment for this activity.

I am working from home and have been blessed to work on a medical device that treats Covid patients.  I have worked on a couple of Emergency Use Authorizations for the FDA for more treatment options for Covid patients.

Christy is working from home also, and is still working as a speech therapist as much as she can while working through Zoom.

When the world makes sense

Darkness in my eyes

My son beside me, on my arm

Trusting, he sleeps

The world is small and warm and peaceful