Yesterday made me think too much

On the drive to the hospital yesterday to meet Ani, I was forced to think about stuff I didn't want to think about. With no information about Ani other than respiratory "distress", I was forced (by my stupid subconscious) to think about losing Ani. Certainly before the tornado, I never thought about losing my children, and since then, I've thought about having lost Nate, and lost my "Ani 1.0", but never about fully losing Ani or Micah. My heart is so conflicted.  I'm ok with where Ani is _going_ after she dies.  I am CERTAIN about her faith, so her ultimate destination is ok with me. What I'm NOT ok with is her leaving me. Quoting Mr. Incredible, "I'm not strong enough". I pour myself out to her, I am as vulnerable with her as no one else. What would I do?  I would continue to be daddy and husband. Would it be too much for me to lose that avenue of service to my child?  To say "I love you" to the heavens for another child?  My best friend already does that. Could I?  I believe God would show up to be the strength that I do not have in myself, but if I'm honest, I don't want that to happen. 

Strangely, the day befor Ani went into the hospital, I was thinking of posts to put here to be read to Micah and Ani after _I_ am gone..