What I'm afraid of.

On Tuesday nights, while we're at band, Lexie puts the kids to bed.
Ani is always awake, waiting for me to come say her nite-nite prayers. I've asked her many times different ways if she's waiting for me, and she has indicated yes.
What will happen when I leave this earth? Will she still wait at night for me to have that wonderful one-to-one time with her? Will she remember the thousands of times I've said "I love you"? Will she remember all the times I've told her that she didn't deserve what happened to her? That she didn't do anything wrong? Will she hear the songs that I always sing to her? Will she be able to feel the presence of the holy spirit with her?

Will she feel alone?

I'm not afraid of passing away from here, per se. I'm afraid of the effect my absence will cause. It absolutely kills me inside to imagine her feeling lonely, marginalized, alone.

Is it possible to cuddle enough, to say "I love you" enough, to sing enough, to kiss cheeks enough, that you never really leave when you die? God, keep Ani's faith strong that she knows that she's never alone while you're with her, and that it's only a matter of time until she sees me again.