What if I had known?

What if I had known, but have been unable to change things?
Would I have danced with Ani more?
Would Nate know better how much I love him?
Would I have tried to be closer to Nate to be able to say goodbye?

I'll never know, and I'll always struggle with this on this side of heaven.


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Old writing, never published - My past

I see my past, and it clouds my future.

Old writing, never published - Shocking...

This may be a shocker, but I've discovered that I'm not infinite.
Obvious, yeah I know, but after hearing recently about a friend's difficulties,
I have bumped up against the fact that there are so many people I care about.
I "care" about all people, and I pray for every little baby I see.  But I am not capable of
caring, from a day-to-day perspective, of everybody in the world.  I simply am not God, that's
his realm, having an unlimited amount of love and care that he can deeply care about every person
in every little moment-to-moment as they live their lives.  It's just not possible for me to wonder every
day about that little girl I saw at the Disney live show, or the little toddler boy that was so cute and
stumbled at Target and made Ani laugh.  Our senior pastor has talked about this a little, in that we
are only really capable of maintaining a few really close friends, a group of other friends and so on.
We

Old writing, never published - My heavy heart

Writer's note: This was 2 years ago, during our "year of pain". Ani is MUCH, MUCH better now. My Lord,
I sit here and listen to my daughter grunt in pain, every other breath.
She stiffens in pain, as she has nearly all day today.
How heavy is my heart as I can only soothe her slightly.
I am trying everything.
Guide me in what to do, how to soothe her.
My heart is low, my body is tired, my spirit is strained.

Old writing, never published - Waiting for Ani

There are times I catch myself wondering when Ani will come back into the room. Not this Ani, but the other Ani. It's unfair for me even to think this, but I do sometimes. I catch that Ani out of the corner of my eye, or out of the corner of this Ani's eye. I love my daughter beyond my ability to understand, and I just want to serve her better. I don't want to just be able to take care of her body's needs, but that of her mind and spirit as well. But for that, I need to hear her opinions in a much more high fidelity way. Not just Yes/No to the questions I think of, but in a more abstract "Ani way". I have written before that I lament the loss of Ani's comments and perspectives, so I have lost a way of looking at this world.


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There are days

There are days when I don't cry over Nate. There are days when I'm not depressed over Ani's paralysis.

Ani, if you are able, you must speak out

I talked with Ani the other day about what she needs to do if she ever gets her voice back. I asked her to use her voice to speak with others. That she must help other kids in a similar situation by talking to them. Sharing what she had done to stay strong, etc. I'm not going to pester her with this, but neither will I let her forget it. If the world is ever graced by her words again God, let those words be clear, bright, honoring and helpful.