This year's donation...

Some of you know our Christmas tradition, with respect to Nate. One of us (Christy and I) will buy an ornament, and the other will donate in Nate's name. This year it was my turn to donate. In the past, I have donated to the model train museum in St. Paul, and to a steam locomotive restoration project in the southeast. This year, I donated to KinderGartens, Ani and Nate's old daycare.

In my mind's eye, I remember greeting each child with "I'm so happy to see you!", and racing them to the door (I always lost). I know that I told my children that I loved them every day many times, and that they knew that. I just can't help wanting to have said one last "I love you" to Nate. It hurts my heart so much that he was alone, and I couldn't say goodbye.

The broken fairy daddy put back together again.

The fairy was in plain sight.
Visible, but never really seen.
Slammed, she fell to the ground, broken, but all the pieces recovered.
Put up on the shelf, she aged.
Never flying, never singing, never shining.
Until one day, daddy was clearing the fluff away.
And he discovered the broken fairy.
He really saw the fairy, and could not let her stay this way.
Carefully, he put the pieces back.
Cracks still showed, and the fairy wasn’t perfect, but daddy continued.
All we can do is wait and pray.
Pray for the fairy to spread her wings again, and be seen by this world.

God, the little things aren't little anymore.

Micah was sitting on my lap, watching a show over Ani's shoulder. I was absentmindedly scratching his back, running my fingers through his hair. Micah never noticed, conciously, but _I_ noticed. I noticed that I can tell him "I love you" without using the words.

Warm and safe.

Warm and safe, you can't keep your eyes open.
My son, you are as safe as can be in my arms.
Your sparkle slowly fades as you let sleep take you.
God, watch over us both as we sit here on the couch.
My little answered prayer twitches and snores softly.
He's a handful, but he has my heart.


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Nurturing the vibrancy in Ani

God, give me the ability to nurture and fulfill the song for Ani who can't sing.
God, give me the ability to nurture and fulfill the phsyicality of dancing for Ani who can't move.
God, give me the ability to nurture and fulfill the vibrancy of Ani who can't express herself.

God, give me the ability to not let any of my failings be picked up by her.

The best years coming up? Can I do it?

I keep remembering how I would think that I had it perfect. 2 great kids, a wonderful wife, a good job, a great neighborhood...then BAM.

Now I'm struck with trying to make my future years the best I can. I owe this to everybody, myself included. What kind of father would I be if I cannot be joyful, to spread to Ani and Micah, not to mention Christy. God, please give me the strength and advice to make my future brighter than I can do all by myself.

Thank you Lord

God, I thank you for all my blessings. My children, my wife, my church.
Sometimes it's difficult to see my blessings through tear-filled eyes.
Sometimes it's difficult to say "Thanks" with a throat choked with a sob.
Sometimes it's just difficult.
But I am so grateful.