Micah's brother.

It feels normal to differentiate which brother I'm talking about to Ani.
It feels normal to tell Nate about his brother Micah.
It somehow feels odd to talk to Micah about "his brother".

I'm not going to stop.

I wasn't mentioned.

I don't know why, but I went quickly to the tornado date in Matt's blog. There was no mention of us. I felt disappointed. I have no idea why I would feel this way. I never knew of him until a couple days ago, why would he know of me? Emotions are strange.


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Just write

After reading Matt Logelin's blog, I kinda got inspired to write a little more of a daily diary, though I'm pretty sure I won't remember every day.
Christy and I were discussing grief yesterday, and how everybody's so different. For some reason, I seem to need the tears. I need to put myself back into all the pictures and movies, and just cry. Is it my need to be back in those simpler times?
I've been thinking lately about the mannerisms of some people's speech. Particularly in the area of familial relationships. I wonder why people want to use the terms like "step brother", or "step child", or even to explain that a child was adopted. That information is important in certain aspects, of course, but when I look at Micah, I see him with my heart. He is my son. Never mind that he doesn't share any of my genes, he is my son. I would rather people just leave out the "step", I would rather just know the basic relationship.
I can wish up down and sideways that the tornado hadn't happened, but I have to also admit that a lot of good things have happened out of the relationships formed since, and because of, the tornado.
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10 minutes

I don't know why, but I just googled the date of the tornado. I found the national weather report of the incident. It turns out that tht tornado only lasted ten minutes. Ten minutes. How can so much happen in just ten minutes.

Another's pain.

I've discovered a blog (www.mattlogelin.com), where a man is blogging after his wife died from a blood clot while still in the hospital after the birth of their first child, a girl. He has since written a book: "Two kisses for Maddie". I'm running through a lot of emotions and feelings that I haven't felt in a long time. I'm going to keep reading.

Feeling good again, now I'm scared.

The last time I thought my life was perfect, the tornado came. Now we have Micah, Ani is showing signs of small improvement, I'm feeling like this family is in a good place again. Why am I resisting this feeling? I know wasn't "cursed" or anything for feeling good before, why am I feeling anxious to feel happy or comfortable?


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This year's donation...

Some of you know our Christmas tradition, with respect to Nate. One of us (Christy and I) will buy an ornament, and the other will donate in Nate's name. This year it was my turn to donate. In the past, I have donated to the model train museum in St. Paul, and to a steam locomotive restoration project in the southeast. This year, I donated to KinderGartens, Ani and Nate's old daycare.

In my mind's eye, I remember greeting each child with "I'm so happy to see you!", and racing them to the door (I always lost). I know that I told my children that I loved them every day many times, and that they knew that. I just can't help wanting to have said one last "I love you" to Nate. It hurts my heart so much that he was alone, and I couldn't say goodbye.