Nate's hair

We just found out that there's a lock of Nate's hair that the Funeral Director kept, but forgot about.
We're probably going to take it back.
I know exactly what it will look like.
I know exactly what it would smell like.
After nearly 5 years, I know that hair so well.
I also know what it isn't.
It isn't Nate.
It's not a symbol.
It's an opportunity to honor him with a physical presence.
We'll put it behind a picture of him, and put our hair behind pictures next to his.
We'll kind of be together until we rejoin him, one by one, where he is now.


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Percy

Percy, why did you survive?
Percy, you are ever in front of me at work.
Reminding me of my precious son so far away from me.
I can't let you go.
Were you too small to be blown away?
How was Nate too big?
I was all of 12 feet away from him.
My arms are too short.
Too short to have kept him safe.
Too short to have held him to say goodbye.
Much, much too short to touch his hair now in heaven.
But, sadly, long enough to touch his casket.

My silent one.

My silent one, look at me, I'll understand.
Your words are still in my ears,
Your song still in my heart,
Your jokes still in my laughter,
Your dance still on our floors.
Never fear, precious one, you still have all of those things...we're just watching over them, keeping them warm for a while.



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The tube

Ani's feeding tube is almost a symbol for her complete dependence on outside help. I cuddle her, I lift her, I laugh with her...But when I have to use the tube, her condition slaps me every time. I both love and hate the tube. It keeps her alive and with me, yet keeps her a slave to me.


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Short sighted

Interesting things hit my brain throughout the day...
I was just thinking about Micah's nite-nite routine...He's just adorable during it.
It's a nice time to be quiet and close to him.

After I thought about that, I was thinking about Ani's nite-nite ritual before the
tornado. It was usually lengthy, she would always want this-and-that, be close on
her bed, and more stories and such. I remember that her ritual had this slight
irritation associated with it, just _because_ she wanted so much time.

How stupid and short-sighted I was.

Now, the biggest thing I pray for is the simple ability for Ani to be able to
direct _my_ actions. To _ask_ me to do things for her. To request more time
from me to spend special time with her.

Wow...

Christy and I went to Mickey's diner in downtown St Paul last night. We had been there a year ago, 2 times ago when Ani had her rods lengthened. We got to talking to the cook, he had been there the last time. He kep us talking, so our whole story came out. He said that our story was one of the most heart-wrenching stories he had ever heard. Wow. Really? He must have heard so many stories, he's right there behind the counter. Maybe I should feel more depressed?

No, I think I'm doing fine.

Praying with Ani.

Since Ani said "Yes", I need to pray with her more. Last night we prayed for others with "Locked-in syndrome" (I explained to her what it meant) that cannot do even what she's capable of doing. She can laugh, others cannot. She can smile, others cannot. Pray for them and their families to be able to make _some_ connection and understand how much they are loved.