I haven't cried for you lately,
where have my tears gone?
Have I been enjoying life?
What would me from 7 years ago think?
You were ripped from me.
Alone you died, scared,
without your daddy.
I was left behind,
bleeding from a jagged
wound in my heart.
There are no sutures able to close it.
But apparently I can somehow ignore it for some time.
Nate, it's not like I want to cry all the time, but I want to always be aware of the good parts of me I got form your life.

Dreaming

If we shared a dream, Ani.
What would you say to me?  I need your voice to speak love.
What music would play during our dance?  I need your feelings to live in this world.
Would you tell me about sunsets again?  I need your eyes to see beauty.
Would you talk about love?  I need your heart to treat others truly.
Would you share your faith?  I need your strength to keep me from flying apart.
If we shared a dream, Ani, I would need help waking up, because I wouldn't want to leave.

People watching in the botanical gardens.

God blessed each person I see with grace, will, dreams, imagination, and love. 

All these people have vast minds and hearts. 

It occurs to me that even the numbers of stars in the galaxy pale to the number of thoughts and ideas passing me by. 

How many victories?

How many accomplishments?

How many losses and how much pain?

I realize that we all protect ourselves from the vast amounts of sorrow carried by our neighbors. 

Let's not add to that total of sadness by jumping on our differences. 

If you cannot help a person directly, then look upon them kindly, accept that they have value. 

Beauty abides within the love we have for each other. 

It's impossible to try to be empathetic to the sadness around us, we are finite.  Leave that to the one who has infinite compassion. Leave that to the one who supplies us anew each morning and moment with the love we need for each other. 

I am diminished, slouched over,

when my thoughts turn to Nate. 

My gaze lowers.

Looking at the ground, I can't see the sun. 

The clouds hide the sunset without Ani's words. 

Micah has lifted my feet from the pit. 

He's gotten me to peek at the stars. 

He presents me with an incredible future. 

But even he can't stop the storm clouds of the past from blowing in sometimes. 

World, listen.

World, LISTEN TO ME.
My daughter is ALIVE!
She lives, she breathes, she feels, SHE IS ALIVE!
Friends, LISTEN TO ME.
I don't know her cognitive ability, but this I know; She is NOT A BABY.
She feels, she thinks, SHE REMEMBERS.
God, LISTEN TO ME.
She has a place to fill, a JOB TO PERFORM.  Give her skills.
She affects those around her, she is affected herself by those around her.
She reacts warmly to her brother's kiss.
She can bring her own warmth to this cold world.
World, LISTEN TO ME.
Learn how to listen to my daughter.
She is NOT the wheelchair you see.  She has depths, thoughts, responses.
SHE IS WHO I KNOW HER TO BE.
Please, do yourself a favor and wait for her.

New voice

I was rubbing Ani's temples tonight, and I could tell that she enjoyed it, her eyes were half-lidded, she had a relaxed smile, but then...
She gave a little pain relief moan.  Just an "Unnh".  Then another, then another, and another.  Then she stopped and she tightened up a bit, so I stopped rubbing and she relaxed.  I've not heard her vocalize like that before.  It was awesome, and was so "normal" (whatever that means).

I remember

I remember, each of you my children, rocking you to sleep.
You were all different, in your twitching, your eyes closing, and the time it took.
I remember my first, Ani, how I would wait, and count, to make sure you were asleep,
before I placed you in bed.  I would then tiptoe out of your room.
Nate, I remember you deciding that we were done cuddling, and it was time for me to put you in bed.
Micah, I remember the contrast of the days' activities, and you winding down in your room.

All of you, I remember the feeling you gave me, confidence and trust in me, your father.
In my arms, you melted into my protection and warmth.
In my arms, you gave me a short time where the world was right and sublime.
No troubles with money, worry over politics or conflicts.
No second-guessing myself over parenting you.

For that short time,  your feedback was that I did something absolutely right.