Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Another introspective analysis...
Where, generally, does my pain come from regarding the loss of Nate? Is it my sorrow over not having him here on the earth? Is it my sorrow over not being able to love him or teach him? Is it my sorrow that he couldn't fulfill a potential here? Is it maybe my fear of what he possibly experienced during the incident? I wonder if that's a big part of it. I know that the experience won't matter to him in heaven, but I still can't quite shake the feeling that, even for an instant, he was utterly terrified during the tornado. The same goes for Ani, though I hope and pray that she too has lost that memory from her mind. The bigger problem I have with Ani is that I know she was scared, I saw her face just before I turned to go get Nate, which was when the tornado hit. I had just turned away from Ani towards Nate, and it hit. I know that parents can't prevent harm or danger, but I would never want my children to know that kind of fear before they're mature enough to understand what fear is.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
I think that our bodies are miraculous and they don't allow us to handle more than we are able. Even if Ani remembers the fear, it will be within her frame of reference, not yours and so could be the equivalent of Christy's description of the nasty monster Tornado, and be scary like a bad character in a movie. And, having gone through childhood trauma, I know that often it presents almost as if a dream. If it is too scary, our brains often supress it until we are ready to handle it.
If Nate was scared, it was likely only for brief moment, and can't outweigh all of the blessed, happy, beautiful moments that you all provided for him and shared with him.
I hope you don't mind the opinion-sharing.
I just posted about your last post, but I also wanted you convey my sadness at your mother passing. I am glad you had the opportunity to spend time with her, and I hope you can find comfort in your memories. I am sorry that you have one more cloud on your horizon, but I hope you can imagine her hugging Nate for you.
Post a Comment