I fight so hard to keep Nate alive within me.
There are times that I've gone to bed, and I'm so tired and I kinda run through saying nite-nite to Nate quickly, only feeling it slightly in my heart. When that happens, it's a stab within me. For that moment, I have dishonored him. I am convicted. I am human. I recently ran across a video of me making a noise that caused him to giggle. I would do it over and over. He would giggle and giggle. Not having his giggle in my life makes it that much harder. Mowing the lawn is difficult too. I miss having Ani and Nate wave at me every time I would turn to mow towards the window. How almost commonplace it seemed, so bucolic. But now, that bucolic scenario seems like heaven on earth to me.
I can still hear Nate's voice inside my head. I can still remember what his hair felt like, what it felt like to hold his hand, or lift him up. He'll never leave me, but I don't like the short-lived times that I leave him.
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