I am many persons...

I am many persons, living in many different worlds.

I live in the valley, fighting each day to not cry at being separated from Nate. I see death differently now, and do not fear it. I hate being separated from Nate, but love where he currently resides through God's grace and Jesus' sacrifice. I can hardly wait to be reunited.

I live on the cliff's edge, teetering with every change in Ani's condition. I am falling when she stiffens or cries in pain. I hit the bottom when she is sorrowful in frustration with her body's inabilities. I soar when she laughs, when she vocalizes in commentary. I am dashed when I get frustrated, not being the strong and patient daddy that I want to be. I live with continual butterflies in my stomach and have fears of the future, while holding on to the belief that miracles are possible.

I live in the rain, at once comforted by the sound of rain drops, while fearful of the monster that may be hiding nearby.

I live in the sky, raised up by Micah's smile, his eyes beaming with little boy confidence that comes from parents who love him and show him so. The clouds are the endless possibilities for his life. The sun warms me as I watch him grow. I pray that his spirit is as strong as I pray it to be gentle. I pray for his relationship with his sister.

I live in the stone, Nate's marker, frozen and inactive sometimes when I think about the events and decisions on that day. Cemented to the spot when realizing that the last time I saw the EBC White Bear campus was 2 years ago, for Nate's funeral.

I live in the what-could-have-been. Had something changed, would we have met those who now pray every day for us? Would people have come to Jesus still, if not for our story? Would we have gotten Micah if we had not lost Nate? What caused me to turn towards Ani first? Had I been blown into the pond with Nate, could I have saved him?

I live in the what-must-be. While I long to be reunited with Nate, I have a lot of work and responsibility in this life. I have a lifetime of learning about what it means to be Christian. I have a lifetime of motivational speeches for Ani. I have a wellspring of love and kisses for Ani. I have all of this for Micah. I have a lifetime of trying to be a good husband for Christy.

I live in the hereafter. Promised Grace that I do not deserve. Promised Forgiveness for unforgivable failures. Promised Life when I deserve infinite darkness. Promised that which I want so much, reunion.