This was supposed to be a light hearted blog, but on May 25th 2008, our world changed dramatically due to a disaster. Now this blog will also contain my personal notes on grief and how I'm coping/struggling.
Thursday, November 3, 2016
You took nearly everything from me.
A devastating wind? Or more?
I know what I felt.
Death, I've seen you, and I'm not afraid anymore.
Death, I'll still fight you to remain with those I serve. You have no power over my feelings of love or duty. I WILL take those beyond my grave. I will remain until my duty is discharged.
Now be off, and let me remain with my memories of my blessed time with Nate. Take your dirty feelings of dread and let my heart feel the warmth of love again.
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
where have my tears gone?
Have I been enjoying life?
What would me from 7 years ago think?
You were ripped from me.
Alone you died, scared,
without your daddy.
I was left behind,
bleeding from a jagged
wound in my heart.
There are no sutures able to close it.
But apparently I can somehow ignore it for some time.
Nate, it's not like I want to cry all the time, but I want to always be aware of the good parts of me I got form your life.
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Dreaming
What would you say to me? I need your voice to speak love.
What music would play during our dance? I need your feelings to live in this world.
Would you tell me about sunsets again? I need your eyes to see beauty.
Would you talk about love? I need your heart to treat others truly.
Would you share your faith? I need your strength to keep me from flying apart.
If we shared a dream, Ani, I would need help waking up, because I wouldn't want to leave.
Saturday, August 27, 2016
People watching in the botanical gardens.
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
Friday, July 15, 2016
World, listen.
My daughter is ALIVE!
She lives, she breathes, she feels, SHE IS ALIVE!
Friends, LISTEN TO ME.
I don't know her cognitive ability, but this I know; She is NOT A BABY.
She feels, she thinks, SHE REMEMBERS.
God, LISTEN TO ME.
She has a place to fill, a JOB TO PERFORM. Give her skills.
She affects those around her, she is affected herself by those around her.
She reacts warmly to her brother's kiss.
She can bring her own warmth to this cold world.
World, LISTEN TO ME.
Learn how to listen to my daughter.
She is NOT the wheelchair you see. She has depths, thoughts, responses.
SHE IS WHO I KNOW HER TO BE.
Please, do yourself a favor and wait for her.
New voice
She gave a little pain relief moan. Just an "Unnh". Then another, then another, and another. Then she stopped and she tightened up a bit, so I stopped rubbing and she relaxed. I've not heard her vocalize like that before. It was awesome, and was so "normal" (whatever that means).
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
I remember
You were all different, in your twitching, your eyes closing, and the time it took.
I remember my first, Ani, how I would wait, and count, to make sure you were asleep,
before I placed you in bed. I would then tiptoe out of your room.
Nate, I remember you deciding that we were done cuddling, and it was time for me to put you in bed.
Micah, I remember the contrast of the days' activities, and you winding down in your room.
All of you, I remember the feeling you gave me, confidence and trust in me, your father.
In my arms, you melted into my protection and warmth.
In my arms, you gave me a short time where the world was right and sublime.
No troubles with money, worry over politics or conflicts.
No second-guessing myself over parenting you.
For that short time, your feedback was that I did something absolutely right.
Friday, July 1, 2016
To learn
Your perspective; no one can share.
Opinions, poems, dreams, prayers, laments.
Shout them! Share them! Free your soul!
Reach toward the light, reach toward my hand.
The light in your eyes, so intriguing, so fleeting.
I give it all, freely, to hold your gaze.
What mistakes have I made? Do you keep count?
Will you forgive my ineptitudes when you say hello to me?
Sunday, May 22, 2016
A truckload of "why?"
Thursday, April 21, 2016
I'm drowning
I'm so sorry
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
Forgive me,
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
Good end to an emotional day.
My amazing girl.
What’s in it for me?
Is my faith based on what I get out of it? Do I have faith because that’s the only way I can see Nate again? Probably the only way I’ll dance with Ani again? It shouldn’t be like that. My faith should be based on a decision to follow, to commit myself. However, I can’t shake the feeling that this is not how my decision was made.
I want to run, I want to sit still, I want to throw something, I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to remain silent and motionless. This is my silent battle over Nate not being with me. I held his train near me, just now, and listened to it whir. Oh how easily I could close my eyes and transport myself back to a time without this pain. It was almost unstoppable, the urge to call out to him and give him his train. Easily, the images of our old house came to mind; where had the train stopped this time? Under the couch? Under the cabinet? Then I open my eyes and put the train back on my desk, feeling lost and diminished.
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
What I'm afraid of.
Ani is always awake, waiting for me to come say her nite-nite prayers. I've asked her many times different ways if she's waiting for me, and she has indicated yes.
What will happen when I leave this earth? Will she still wait at night for me to have that wonderful one-to-one time with her? Will she remember the thousands of times I've said "I love you"? Will she remember all the times I've told her that she didn't deserve what happened to her? That she didn't do anything wrong? Will she hear the songs that I always sing to her? Will she be able to feel the presence of the holy spirit with her?
Will she feel alone?
I'm not afraid of passing away from here, per se. I'm afraid of the effect my absence will cause. It absolutely kills me inside to imagine her feeling lonely, marginalized, alone.
Is it possible to cuddle enough, to say "I love you" enough, to sing enough, to kiss cheeks enough, that you never really leave when you die? God, keep Ani's faith strong that she knows that she's never alone while you're with her, and that it's only a matter of time until she sees me again.
Monday, March 7, 2016
The dark places
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Transfixed
What rarer beauty is there than that of your child.
The curve of her cheekbone, the slope of her chin.
A face, perfect in repose.
This, this is the beauty that matches the song my heart sings when I think of her.