How can you be gone???

Nate, it hits me once in a while...
How can you be gone?
It just doesn't compute with me.
You're not gone from my heart,
You're not gone from my head,
You're not gone, your toys and clothes are still here.
I don't know how to wait patiently until I see you again.
I just want to see you, to hold you, to serve you.
To stop crying for one day.
To hear Ani talk to me,
To have Ani take my hand.
Nate, I remember you kissing Ani goodnight,
and thinking how loving you were here on earth.
I, with my limited earthly perception,
do not know how to just keep in mind your heavenly home.
I _want_ to cut your food.
I _want_ to change your diaper.
I _want_ to watch Thomas over and over again.
I _don't_ want your dependence on me, I just want to serve you.
Since I became a daddy, that's all I want to do.

I have seen

I have seen the face of hell.
It was black, and it roiled.
When it met me, it showed me its taint.
It tried to kill me and my family.
It succeeded with my beloved son,
but God protected him.
God shielded his mind from the terror.
God shielded his body from the rending.
God accepted him into his house, after Nate no longer had one.
God kept Ani on this earth, and I wish I knew her purpose.
I know mine now.
Mine is serve my wife.
Mine is to serve Ani.
Mine is to serve God as I am able.
Mine is to stay here and wait to be with Nate.
That part is really hard.

I touched his hair
Touched his face,
Rubbed his ear,
But they weren't his any more,
I kept expecting him to come get them,
Make them uniquely his again.
But he had left them,
Held no claim to them anymore.
I look there,
So beautiful,
So peaceful.
I've seen him asleep before,
But not like this,
Not like this.
My heart told me so,
My soul told me so.
How can this be so?

How do you approach the death of a small child?
Even now, cast into the past, my mind reels.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:I touched his hair...

Newly determined source of stress

It just occurred to me on the drive to work today, listening to "Homesick" by Mercy Me, that I feel stress because I feel like I'm not fulfilling my responsibility to Nate right now.  I want so much to be a parent to him, because he would still only be 5 years old this December, and would still need parenting so much, but I'm not performing my responsibility, obviously, since I'm down here and he's not.  I know he's "in a better place" and "I've rejoiced for you" like the song says, but I can't teach or praise him from down here.  I want so much to be with him, but I also have this huge responsibility to Ani.  I simply cannot fulfill both responsibilities while I'm here.  Since Nate is in a better place, and Ani needs so much help, here's where I need to be.  This realization doesn't really help a whole lot, as I would have to make a rational choice inside myself to help mitigate the stress.  I have to decide that I no longer parent Nate.  And this is so hard.  I love him and miss him so much, and my love for him begs and pleads to be expressed through parenting him, and I cannot.  The love for a child is simply something that _must_ come originally from God as it feels like something that speaks to you.  I think that I have to find some way to come to grips with not parenting Nate anymore, and yet never let myself forget even one little thing about him.  I also have to try to not see Nate and feel bad when I'm caring for our upcoming baby son.  How difficult that will be.

Yesterday, I ran across a picture of Nate holding a present he unwrapped.  It was Percy, the green engine from Thomas the Tank Engine.  Percy sits on my desk and smiles at me all day.

What can we learn?

Ani's friend Bella came over the other day, and I was just amazed at the level of friendships that children can have. Bella was so pleased just to be with Ani, and didn't expect any response from Ani. Bella just sees inside Ani and is totally satisfied to be Ani's friend. How awesome it would be IDE more people could see the soul and not let the "package" get in the way. It's humbling, and to be sure, not every child has a friendship like this, but I am blessed to be in the presence of it. Bella considers herself "proud to be Ani's friend". I wish I could be that pure and accepting. Lord help me learn from this.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Lexington Pkwy S,St Paul,United States

Why does it rain?

Why Lord, why does it rain?
Why are there drops on a sunny day?
Why are my glasses wet inside the car?
It rains at random times.
It rains when I look at pictures.
It rains when I see babies.
Odd that other people are not getting wet.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Lexington Pkwy S,St Paul,United States

Magical moment with Ani

I was rocking (literally twice, as will be seen) with Ani last night.  We were listening to her favorite music, Hannah Montana (told you about the rocking twice).  I was bouncing her a bit to the beat of the music, or of the bass drum, or the guitar strums.  I asked her if she liked having her body move to the music and she gave me a grin.  I told her then that she was dancing.  I said "You're dancing, you're dancing with my help".  She then had this smile so big that her face almost couldn't contain it.  It lasted quite a while.  She didn't vocalize at all, I think she was just lost in the moment.  I think also when I was singing to her that she was trying to sing along.  She kept vocalizing with a long "aaaaaahhhh", with no syllables.