It just occurred to me on the drive to work today, listening to "Homesick" by Mercy Me, that I feel stress because I feel like I'm not fulfilling my responsibility to Nate right now. I want so much to be a parent to him, because he would still only be 5 years old this December, and would still need parenting so much, but I'm not performing my responsibility, obviously, since I'm down here and he's not. I know he's "in a better place" and "I've rejoiced for you" like the song says, but I can't teach or praise him from down here. I want so much to be with him, but I also have this huge responsibility to Ani. I simply cannot fulfill both responsibilities while I'm here. Since Nate is in a better place, and Ani needs so much help, here's where I need to be. This realization doesn't really help a whole lot, as I would have to make a rational choice inside myself to help mitigate the stress. I have to decide that I no longer parent Nate. And this is so hard. I love him and miss him so much, and my love for him begs and pleads to be expressed through parenting him, and I cannot. The love for a child is simply something that _must_ come originally from God as it feels like something that speaks to you. I think that I have to find some way to come to grips with not parenting Nate anymore, and yet never let myself forget even one little thing about him. I also have to try to not see Nate and feel bad when I'm caring for our upcoming baby son. How difficult that will be.
Yesterday, I ran across a picture of Nate holding a present he unwrapped. It was Percy, the green engine from Thomas the Tank Engine. Percy sits on my desk and smiles at me all day.
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