A tear for Nate

A tear for Nate.
It's not just crying.
It's not just sadness or loss.
It's shame and guilt.
It's being flawed.
What could I have done?
More so, what can I do now?
Nothing.
I will try and let my self-condemnation fall to the ground.
With my sadness and pain.
Maybe someday only my faith, love and memories will remain.

Who would I have been?

Sometimes I can't help but ponder these questions...
If the outcome had only been Ani being hurt, and Nate still being here, who would I be now?
If the outcome had only been Nate passing, who would I be now?
Would Micah had come our way if not for the tornado?
Are there "other Jerrys" in parallel universes who have different situations?
Would I recognize any of them as me?

Sleep

Sleep, Ani, sleep.
I've always got your medicines ready.
Rest, gather your strength.
There's no responsibilities for you to worry about.
Heal, incorporate your successes from yesterday.
I'll always notice your victories.
Wake when you're ready.
I'll be at your side.
I'll carry you through the day.
I'll keep you under my wing.
Part of me is always watching over you.

Confusion

There are times when a part of me scolds the other parts of me for living my life, having fun. Why am I not totally sacrificial?  I know I need to feed myself too, grow, learn. My ongoing grief drags me under water. I feel guilty sometimes for "daring to take time to learn Violin".  

It's not fair.

It's not fair. Just saying. 

I see the homework emails from Ani's teacher...I want to be doing these with Ani. She can't write a book report or do research. Oh God, we are just trying to get a good "Yes/No" indication from her. 

It's not fair. I want it to be different. 

Ok. I'm done, had to get that out. 

Could you hear me?

Could you hear me?

Was I with you as you slipped away from us?

I can still feel what it was like to yell for my missing child. 

Straining as if yelling for you could drag you closer to me. 

The constricting cloud of uncertainty clenching my heart. 

Even now, maybe I'm still yelling for you. 

Maybe my soul is still straining to drag you near to me.

Can you hear me?

God, as always, send my words to my son. 

I win.

Last night, as I sang and played to Ani, I stopped and talked to her. 

I told her that I thought I was blessed to serve her, and blessed to be able to play for her, as she obviously enjoys it. 

I was in the middle of telling her that I thank God for my talents to play/sing for her and she raised her hands for "Yes". 

I laughed, then stopped and said "Wait, YOU thank God for me and my singing??"  

She raised her hands for "Yes". 

I said "Seriously, you thank God for me??"

She raised her hands and smiled big!

So, I win.

I'm still gonna keep playing though...I might win some more. :)