Hard times...

There are times in the car when I just start crying and say aloud, to no one, "I miss my son".

Time hasn't healed, yet...

Over the 4 months since Nate was with us, the pain hasn't dulled, if anything it has become more acute.  I am SO aware that his voice and stomping around is not with us.  I get to hear Ani vocalize and laugh, so that makes it better when dealing with what happened to her.  I am aware of just how very long it has been since I have seen Nate, heard Nate, played with Nate and held Nate.  Oh how I miss that smile and sparkle.  I get a little bit of it from the picture on the mantle, but that's bittersweet.  I often see little boys at the church child care area that look like Nate or remind me of him.  It makes me miss how he would press the elevator button to open the doors, or how he would stomp in the puddles, or how we would all walk hand-in-hand out of church.  I have that image in my mind, but I'm afraid that it will fade.  How I wish that we would have taken a picture of us walking together.  Nate loved Ani and Ani loved Nate.  How weak I feel when the reality of Nate in my heart needs some "back-up" by pictures.  Yeah, I know, I'm only human, but my memories of Nate and love for him are about the most important things that I have now that are so difficult to manage.  My feelings of loyalty to Ani and Christy and God are the most important things that I keep close.  Family is so important too.

We are more than we seem

I was just at another funeral today, I was thinking of how I think about Nate and his smile and sparkle in his eyes.  How I thought as I saw his body before the funeral, how much was missing, and how this "vessel" that was in the casket wasn't the entirety of Nate, how he and what he _really_ was is somewhere else.  I literally heard in my head the words of Yoda, from "Return of the Jedi" (yeah, I'm a nerd):  "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter".

Failed promises...

I had promised Nate that we would ride on a train.  Though I took him to the train museum and he loved it, we never got to take him on a real train.  I feel so bad that I promised him something that I didn't deliver.  Obviously I never thought that I would lose him.  Maybe it feels bad because I, in some way, feel like I failed in my promise to keep him safe.  I know that's a promise that's impossible to fulfill, just like the premise of "Finding Nemo".  Still, I think about those things that we tell our children because they need it, like "I'll always watch over you".  I guess I'm not really beating myself up over the train promise, maybe I just feel sad that I never got to see his smile if we had done it.

Too quiet

Oh, how I miss hearing "Kaka klease" (cracker please), and Ani's singing.  I want to hear Nate's "Da-da" or "Ma-ma" again.  I want my son back.  I want my daughter all the way back.  I want to hear Nate's toddler "stompy walk" on the hardwood floor.  I want to hear him say "Einteins" (for "Little Einsteins").  I can hear him say "Choo-choo" on one of the videos.  I can hear him squeal in the dancing video.  I am so sad.  There's such a huge part of me that's missing.  I want to hear him say "Hand" to get me to come play with him, or "more" to have me cuddle/tickle him more.

To be a kid again

Sometimes I want to be a kid again.  Not for the energy of youth now, but more for the lack of responsibility, for somebody to tell me "It'll be Ok", "I'll watch over you".

A new skill I have to learn

I was at the coffee shop this morning, and I saw a bunch of wild turkeys in the field. I would always point this out to Ani & Nate. Upon reflection, I realized that I need to learn to "un-mute" my internal monologue so that I can more fully describe the world to Ani. She deserves to get information about her world, about things she may not see, just like I would have when she would ask me questions. I cannot EVER treat her like a lump, I need to actively incorporate her into this world. I've started to think about ways I can take her out and let her experience things, even in the state she's in. I've thought about going to the Walker art museum, and just explaining everything I see. I've thought about going to one of the big, old churches like the basillica just for the echoes, since Ani is primarily auditory right now. I need to think of more things to do like this. Put any ideas into the comments.