What is wrong?

What is wrong?
What is wrong with my sight Lord,
that my heart feel what my eyes do not see...
What is wrong with gravity Lord,
that the desire to dance does not result in motion...
What is wrong with my heart Lord,
that this world does not fill it like it once did...
What is wrong with art Lord,
that masterpieces do not compare with crayon drawings...
What is wrong with music Lord,
that rambling songs of conciousness defeat the humblest hymn...
What is wrong with home Lord,
that I long to be somewhere I cannot see.


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Respect without remorse???

Oh Lord, how do I remain respectful of Katie's decision like I promised and still not feel remorse for her potential change of heart?
Oh Lord, how do I remain patient when the status of my potential son is in the balance?
Oh Lord, how do I prevent animosity from creeping into my heart, even should Katie side with us?
Oh Lord, what words or actions do I give my wife, that might mitigate some of the anguish?
Oh Lord, "Micah" is now in my heart as the name of our adopted son forever, regardless of what happens, what do I feel when I see him and he's not part of my family?
Oh Lord, Ani has been excited for "little baby brother", what do I tell her?


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Excited!

I am having butterflies in my stomach as I think about a new baby coming home with us. Kinda the same as when Ani or Nate were about to be born. Not from being nervous about the birth mom possibly changing her mind, but that mixture of amazement and wow factor about a new baby.
I keep thinking about how I'm going to change my nighttime prayer specifically for him. Nate and Ani's prayer is:

Sleep well, my precious Son/Daughter.
May God watch over you and protect you while you sleep,
and may he soothe you through your nighttime troubles.
I love you Nate/Ani.

I think I'll add something like:
Sleep well, my precious Son.
May God watch over you and protect you while you sleep,
and may he soothe you through your nighttime troubles.
I thank God for leading your path to our family.
I love you xxxxxx.

The social worker was wondering how/when we would broach the subject, and I was thinking it might be part of his whole life. He'll still see his birth mom, but his path was led to be part of our family.

Tugging

Tugging at my hand, she skips.

Avoiding cracks only she can see.

My destination is in a different direction, we begin to separate.

My grip is not strong enough,

she is dragged another way.

God, architect of all things,

let my girl tug me again,

and I will follow.

Follow her to the ends of this earth.

For your earthly creations

are best described by the innocents,

and I need to see the beauty again.

Oh my Heavenly Father

Oh my Heavenly Father,
help me in my season of need.
I pray most desperately to hear from my children.
A dream of playing with my departed son.
An indication of where it hurts from my disabled daughter.
Oh my Heavenly Father,
heal me in my season of need.
There is so little in my life not touched by brokenness.
My confidence grieves my inability to save my children from harm.
My view of this world grieves the loss of my daughter's expression to describe it to me.
Oh my Heavenly Father,
strengthen me in my season of need.
Give me strength and respect to soothe Ani in her nightly pain.
Give my memories fidelity and durability to keep Nate alive within me.
Give me boundless love for our coming son, that I may love him for his sake alone,
not being affected by my grief for Nate.
Oh my Heavenly Father,
love me in my season of need.
Keep me warm when the chills of grief come calling.
Keep me upright and steadfast when trying to follow your promptings.
Remind me of that spot at Nate's side when I come knocking at Heaven's door.

Do you know this girl?

 Do you know this girl? 

The girl who wanted me to drive faster, because "there's a monkey on the car".

The girl who taught me you can love the snow because it's a "Snow Love".

The girl who always looked for the "turtle on the stick".

The girl who wanted to know when we were driving under a bridge.

The girl who loves all things about Neverland Fairies.

The girl who loves Birthday Monsters and Bellybuttons.

The girl who explained that "Flowing robes do NOT take naps".

The girl who loves Hannah Montana's "woooo".

The girl who brightens to her Daddy's voice, whose birth made me cry.

The girl who needed to wear "lovely dresses".

The girl who so desperately wanted to fit in with the older girls at Monday night.

The girl who dances with me.

The girl who can laugh while her pain causes her to scream.

The girl who neglected "the signals from her body" while she was above me on the slide's ladder. :)

The girl who thought some of Daddy's food was too "picey".

The girl who could be on the swing set all day long.

The girl who, more often than not, would have her shoes on the wrong feet.

The girl whom I would die for, a thousand times, and so much more that I could never do her justice.

I pray and wish the whole world to know Ani, the Ani still inside this "silly body".  She can fill the whole world with warmth, and I want the warmth to find its way back to her.

I deny it.
I flail my arms.
I shake my head in disbelief.
I avoid thinking about it.
I fixate on it.
I sleep.
I wake.
I cry until no more tears will come.

And still, this gulf, this chasm remains, withstanding my efforts to destroy it.


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Location:In which I rail against two years without Nate...