I am in anguish

Lord, I am in anguish,

I cannot forget the Ani before the tornado,
yet I cannot use her as a benchmark for the current Ani.
Why must I think of Ani as 2 different persons?
How much of her is "in there", God?
How much should I talk about singing? About dancing?
Does "never giving up on Ani" mean that I won't be satisfied until she can do what the old Ani could do?
Where would she be satisfied?
I can certainly still laugh all the way down to my heart with Ani.
I love her more every day, and tell her so.
Oh that I could love Ani as simply as Micah does,
I am burdened with more knowledge than he has.

Back when..,

I remember silly jokes, daddy requests and songs,
Back when my girl could talk.

I remember twirling till I was dizzy, pushing till it seemed the swingset would collapse,
Back when my girl could move.

I remember the world looking different, colors more vibrant, and noticing things I would have overlooked,
Back when my girl could see.

I remember the hugs, the kisses, changing diapers and brushing teeth,
Back when I could hold my boy.

I remember seeing myself,
Back when I could see my boy.


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So many things Ani

There are so many things I want to show you Ani,
But some of them are no longer accessible or pertinent.

There are so many activities I want to participate in with you,
But some of them are irrelevant now.

However, you already share so much with me, love of family, love of music, etc. I promise to try not to dwell on things irrelevant, but on things that can be dear to you.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

While my...

I see my girl, and I notice she's lonely,
While my guitar gently weeps.

I see my girl, and I notice she's hurting,
While my guitar gently bleeds.

I see my girl, and I notice she's crying,
While my guitar gently suffers.

I see my girl, and I notice she's broken,
While my guitar gently twinges.

I see my girl, and I see my girl yet,
Still my guitar gently weeps.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Casual pose

Casual pose,
one hand casually draped on my chest.
Snoring squeakily, he fills my view.
My son Micah, you amaze me.
I have such joy holding you.
You are an answered prayer.
I will do my utmost to serve you.

I will be...

I will be.

I will be your voice, Ani,
until you tell me: "Daddy, it's Ok, I can talk".

I will be your coach, Ani,
but sometimes I'll make it hard so you can grow,
until you tell me: "Daddy, I can challenge myself now".

I will view the beauty of this world through your eyes, Ani,
until you can describe the orange in the sunsets again.

I will be your legs so you can dance like a fairy, Ani,
until you are nimble enough to escape my embrace.

I will say aloud: "I love you Daddy", and hear it in your voice, Ani,
until you can tell me directly.

All these things, my dearest Annika,
all these things are coming.
Here on Earth? I don't know, but I know that
you will be perfect in heaven, and you will tell me that you're all right.

My girl,

My girl, my girl,
Do you know?

Do you know your beauty?
I do.
Your eyes, your smile, your laugh, your spirit.
I know.

Do you know your courage?
I do.
Your perseverance, your will, your never-give-up.
I know.

Do you know your strength?
I do.
Not of the body, just now, but of the heart and spirit.
I know.

Do you know your pain?
Yes, you do,
and I do too.
I know your physical pain, emotional pain, and frustration.
I know, dear, I know.

Do you know my mistakes?
Do you know my frailties?
Do you know my fears?
Do you know my prayers?
Do you know my hopes?
Do you know my love?
Yes, my precious daughter, you do,
and this is what keeps me going, day by day.
The sparkle in your eyes outshines any diamond ever found.