The grief of a child?

The grief came back as an avalanche as I was driving tonight.

I have been thinking about who else has suffered with us through our grief.

I had someone in mind to write about, and I will, but they are not the cause of the flood.

I was thinking about how I have taken Ani back to her old daycare to visit a couple of times.

Then I thought about Nate’s care givers there….I don’t know if they were invited to the funeral.

Then it hit me.

What about Nate’s friends there?

I know he was only 2 1/2, but they create friendships.

In a moment, my mind tried to comprehend the confusion and sadness of a child hearing that Nate will never come back again.

Combine that with my own feelings about Nate never coming back, and I just tumbled downwards.

My stomach dropped and I was shaken to my core.

Talking about it with Roger helped, but it is still coming back to me.

This will pass at some point too, but the confused sadness of a child is something that my heart and mind can’t take.

 A singsong day

Pastels lazy in the sky

Strangers who are not yet friends

A twirl and flip from unconstrained joy

Cuddles and quiet hugs

Princesses with birthdays

Now you know my daughter

What is the depth of my heart?

How much can I love?

Before my daughter was born,

I thought love could be measured. 

I thought love came from a finite heart. 

Ani proved me wrong. 

When she was born, a spark exploded.

It lit up a bottomless well. 

I cannot explain my love for my children

to myself, much less explain it to them. 

When you love, you allow yourself to be vulnerable. 

Vulnerable to incredible joy and sometimes 

incredible sadness. 

My children, regardless of where they are, keep my heart going. 

 Some updates:

I haven't posted in a while, and I apologize.  The "Covid season" has done a number on all of us.  We are all fine over here.  Christy, Ani and I are fully vaccinated, and we are so happy that Ani is protected.

Ani is back in school and loving the socializing.  She misses her friends so much, though she did get to see her friends through Zoom and such.  Her friends are so important to her.  We just had a status zoom meeting with her teachers at high school.  One of them is the girls choir director.  She says that Ani is SOOO happy to be in the group, and the other singers are really happy that Ani is enjoying herself.  I love the bonds that can be made even when communication (verbal) is difficult.

Micah is in a boys team in his gymnastics gym. Their team took 3rd in state this year!  Very proud that he has the focus and drive and enjoyment for this activity.

I am working from home and have been blessed to work on a medical device that treats Covid patients.  I have worked on a couple of Emergency Use Authorizations for the FDA for more treatment options for Covid patients.

Christy is working from home also, and is still working as a speech therapist as much as she can while working through Zoom.

When the world makes sense

Darkness in my eyes

My son beside me, on my arm

Trusting, he sleeps

The world is small and warm and peaceful

A Memorial Day poem

A thin sheet of ice melts in the spring uncovering an upheaval of wild currents. Churning and swirling, they grab and pull you down. Tears flood over the banks.  Calmness never returns, but an equilibrium is found within the maelstrom. 

A new world

A new world is forming around us.

Above us, falling about us like snow.

At times, you see the world you know past the snowfall.

Then you look down and see that the world has changed.

You think the world may never return to your memory’s version.

The fear and uncertainty clouds you into thinking this new world is a dream

A dream not worth remembering, not worth seeing.

A dream that is nonetheless something to be respected and obeyed.

At least until the dream of spring is no longer a dream.

Where the world of our memory returns.