Joy

Joy is difficult for me these days.

That’s not to say I’m not pleased with certain things, or that I’m not amused with things from time to time. But the pure happiness or elation of a moment is sometimes few and far between for me. When my wife holds me and says she loves me, I am transported away. I feel no weight, for a time, on my shoulders or soul. When my little girl laughs with me, at something we both find humorous, I’m lost in her smile, her eyes. Other things are fun, but they are at once obvious to me as a diversion, an escape. Those things are necessary too, you must indulge yourself once in a while. I’m not depressed, or sad, all the time, but sometimes I feel like I’m just swimming towards the future, swimming through a swamp. I recognize the need and placement for feelings of sadness. When I think of salvation, seeing Nate again, seeing Ani WHOLE again, I don’t know if I can describe it as joy. It’s kind of like a warm safe place, a place that I’m travelling to, a place to finally rest. It’s a foundation, I guess, on which to really live the rest of my life here on earth. It’s like I feel it’s “my real home”, and though our stay here is temporary, it can really feel like a long time on earth.