Thinking about Nate...

When I look at a picture of Nate, one thing I can't suppress thinking about is what happened to him. As if that small moment of terror, or whatever, somehow has some effect on when I think of his whole life to that point. Like it's difficult to remember his first steps without thinking of his experience. I pray that someday, on this earth, I can remember his life without that moment of his death casting a shadow over happy memories. When I watch the video of us dancing in the kitchen, I wonder now how I could have missed (or at least not fully appreciated) the width of their smiles, how much fun and joy they felt. I can still "light Ani up" now, and that helps when I think about her, but when I see Nate's smile in a photograph, why is it so hard to _just_ see the happy little boy, and not think about whether he was afraid, whether he felt any pain. I wish we all had that that "honesty of emotion" that children have.