On edge.

Sometimes I feel so lost.
Just 6.5 years ago, I would have predicted a completely different situation.
Now I'm left to wonder what Nate would have been like.
I wonder how different Ani would be?
I wonder if we would have gotten Micah?
I wonder where and who I'm supposed to be?
My mind swirls with details, like my work, Ani's meds, Ani's condition, how to parent Micah correctly,
my violin studies, Ani's med refills, me being sick for over a month, money, Christy's parents, etc.
I swear that I'm on edge all the time waiting for my cell phone to buzz, that Micah got kicked out again,
nobody's at home to get Ani off of the bus, lots of things.
My anxiety level is maybe the highest I can remember it being.
Lord, please give me the discernment to let the things go that are taken care of.
Give me confidence at work, we will get through the struggles.
Give me healing to overcome this lengthy illness which weakens me in all aspects of my life.
Give me talent and chutzpah to play the violin the way I want to, and not be timid.
Give me help from others to manage the day-to-day medication stuff, so I don't stress about it.
Give me peace in my thoughts, to drown out all of the "What if?!?" noise that's so often there.
Give me guidance and your infinite love, to pass down to Christy, Ani and Micah, so I am who I need to be for them.
Give me your forgiveness, so I can forgive myself for my failings, and try not to repeat them.