I am coming to accept the fact that my dreams for my son will never be fulfilled. What I'm trying to hold on to is that where he is right now, he understands love more fully than I do. He understands how much I loved him on earth, and how much I love him right now. When he was here, his limited human perception gave him his childlike viewpoint on love, but now his perception is expanded. I pray that he understands now that even when I gave him "timeouts", or when I yelled at him to not bite his sister, that I still loved him with the fullest expanse of my heart.
The more difficult, in a different way, situation to deal with are my dreams for Ani. I haven't found an answer for how you rationalize the "pray for the best and plan for the worst" when it comes to dreaming dreams. Or how it comes to accepting Ani as she is right now. I pray that Ani will be healed to some extent, and I believe this to be true, but I don't know the extent. I'm struggling with how to remember Ani as she was without letting that affect my life with how she _is_. At least before the injury, I fairly well understood how life would progress for Ani. I need dreams and plans to look forward to, to work towards. I won't accept that Ani & I need to just cruise through life. I find that I need to craft dreams that are at once achievable, and others that are couched in the viewpoint of "not impossible". I need to be OK with dreams that are "not impossible", even if they may be "improbable".
