"Daddy..."

Daddy look! My scars are gone!
Yes dear, they are.
You heard me? Daddy, I can talk again!!
Yes dear, you are perfect here.
Can we dance?
Yes.
Can we sing?
All the time.
Daddy...where's Nate-nate?
Right beside you dear. Give him a hug.


I may not cry in sadness in heaven, but I'll cry nonetheless.

Ani, my teacher

Ani, what have I learned from you?

I have learned to differentiate body and soul. Your body doesn't work well, but your soul lights my darkest moments.

I have learned that no victory is too small. Victories cannot be nullified by a subsequent failure. You have been SO victorious.

I have learned even more, that true strength is not of a physical nature. Your perseverance through this has shown me a glimpse of the strength Jesus showed during his ordeal.

I have learned the power of the words "I love you", for both the speaker and receiver. I have learned that there are also SO MANY ways to tell Annika Aili Grace Prindle that I love her without using those three words. How infinitely more ways does the Holy Trinity tell me that I am loved.

I have learned sacrifice, Ani. I have asked God so many times to take your place that I should no longer exist. You are worth more than I could ever have or deserve.

I have learned to smile through the adversity. My ability to make you smile with mirth, as well as fulfillment gives me so much more than I feel I give back.

Last, but certainly not least, I have learned about beauty. You are beautiful when I use my eyes to see you. You are beautiful when I use my heart to see you. You are beautiful in your joy to be with me. I am constantly stunned at how beautiful you are. I am so glad that your beauty shines to other people. I pray most fervently that the beauty of your voice, whether in song or expression, be restored to this world that so needs it.

A perfect smile

Micah, you're 2 and still like to cuddle and rock with me.
You're looking up at me with your cheek to my chest.
Softly repeating "I love you", I stroke your hair.
Your eyes twinkle, and your smile peeks around your pacifier.
A smile just for me.
A smile I don't see anywhere else.
God, may I forever be able to recall that smile in my memory.
A smile that tells me that I can sometimes do something right.

God, convict me...

God, my son is gone, and it is not my fault. Help me remember this.

God, my girl is hurt, and it is not my fault. Help me remember this.

God, of my _true_ faults, I want YOU, your Son and Spirit to convict me, not my flawed perception.

I don't want to live with feeling fault, I don't want Ani to see this and even get any thought that she may have fault in her condition. God, give her peace in that.

You...

I touched your hair, but didn't feel your warmth.
I said goodbye, but your ears didn't hear me.
I cried out for you, but you were far, far away.
Ani couldn't say goodbye, and I am sorry for that, for both of you.
I wish I could be shown a glimpse of you now, shining, loving.
I've been thinking of you a lot over the past couple days.
I need to cry sometimes, and I do.
I don't need to cry to remember that I love you, it's impossible for me to forget.
I need to cry, as an action.
As an expression.
As an earthly reminder that you are elsewhere, and I want to be with you.
Just as my voice aches to say your name, my soul requires me to cry to somehow connect with you.

At the same time...

I am two people so often... I am astoundingly happy having Micah in our family, while punishingly sad that he can't meet Nate here on Earth. I am thrilled to hear of other children's achievements, while grieving whenever I hear of injuries or deaths of small children. I am so proud of how far Ani has come since the injury, yet want so much more for her. I tell Ani that it's not possible to fully tell her how much I love her, yet I am as one within my song and guitar when I use music to do so. I pray so often every day for Ani's healing, and try so hard to remain faithful when the answer is "not yet". I have very positive intuitions about Ani's future (and even Visions), yet too fearful to allow myself to believe and find peace in them.

Before I die...

God grant me the prayer of Ani's words before I die. That will truly be my heaven on Earth.


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