I want to hold my son, and tell him I love him, though soon enough, I’ll get to do this. It’s hard to wait.
I want my daughter to talk to me, tell me what hurts so I can help. It’s hard to hear her wail.
I want to be the best father I can be, the best husband I can be. It’s hard to do, when you’re a fallible human being, you must always strive.
As an engineer, I want to fix Ani’s problems. It’s hard, because they’re not intellectually based.
I want to hold on to my self and identity. It’s hard, because God calls me to serve Christy and Ani.
I want to plan. It’s hard, because I don’t know the variables.
I want to live in the now. It’s hard, because I want to plan.
I want to change the past, I want to have grabbed my son and tossed him to Christy, I want to have tried harder to save him. I want Nate to have walked around the couch the other way. It’s hard, because it’s the past. It’s hard because it’s burned in my memory and I must see it every day. It’s so hard.
God help me just live.
1 comment:
Your family's pain just breaks my heart. Please know that there are people you have never even met praying for healing.
I am one of them.
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