The weight, my son.

Your weight on my arm, my son, was uplifting.
The weight on my heart now, my son, is crushing sometimes.
Your tug on my hand to play, my son, was energizing.
Pulling myself through each day without you, my son, is draining.
Your uplifted gaze to me, my son, was entrancing.
My glance at an empty room, my son, is a dull painting.
Your laughter in my ears, my son, was music beyond the orchestras of this world.
The silence now, my son, is discordance in my world.
I look ahead, my son, to be weighed down, tugged, looked at, and laughed with.
That will surely be heaven, my son.

What a gift!

Even though it was a week early for Father's day, what better gift could a daddy (or husband!) receive than these smiles from his two most important girls? How can I not be lifted up by seeing Ani smile like that? How can I not be lifted up by seeing Christy be able to have that happy smile again after all we've been through? Wonderous.

Splintered

I am splintered,
I no longer feel whole.
Once integrated,
I now feel that I switch from one “me” to the other,
depending on the situation.
Still me, they are facets that are sundered from each other,
separated by grief for a little boy,
and concern for my special daughter.

Strengthen me.

Oh God,
Help me with my weakness.
Set in my heart the surety
of your grace,
of Jesus' promise,
of seeing Nate again.
The little doubts are like
shards inside me.
Cutting me whenever I breathe.

Too quiet

I shouldn't be this quiet
I should be interrupted.
For a hug,
To play dolls,
To play trains,
To make a fort,
To kiss an owie.
How difficult it is now,
To "be still and know".
I don't want to be still.

Some arguments

Some arguments don't work...
"Babies shouldn't die"
"I don't want him in heaven, I want him here"
"She deserves more"
"I give myself for her"
"Give all of her pain an iniquity to me instead"

Yelling...

I scream sometimes,
but not aloud.
I pound my fist on the table,
but there's no thump.
I argue with the wind,
but no logic avails me.
I am angry sometimes,
but there's no useful target.
So it burns itself out
without you even knowing.