Ani, how much do I share with you?

Ani, how much do I share with you? How much shall I show you of my feelings? Shall I share my shame of not being able to protect you? I share that you are blameless, and never deserved this. I wish you could ask me questions, I would only tell you the truth. Shall I share my tears? Tears for your condition? Tears for missing Nate? What would you think of my sharing? Would you still have faith in my strength to serve you?

Heaven, cry with me.

I see the rain today through tear clouded eyes... Heaven, do you cry with me? I explain to Ani that she did not do anything to deserve this injury... Heaven, do you cry with us? "Homesick" plays on the radio, and again there are drops on my face that mimic the rain.. Heaven, do you cry with me?

Ease my soul, Lord

Lord, ease my soul...
Tell me that little boys that go to heaven don't remember their fear on earth, and have no condemnation of their father for being able to protect them.


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Best Daddy

God, please give me the wisdom to be the best daddy I can be. God, please give me the stamina to keep up with Micah, to lift Ani. God, please give me the courage to let Micah explore his world without worrying. God, please give me the courage to be "the daddy" during storms. God, please give me the peace to even consider the futures of Ani and Micah without fear. God, please give me the speed to keep up with Micah. God, please give me the words to speak wisdom to Ani and Micah. God, please give me the presence and personality so that Ani and Micah will never question whether they are loved. God, please give me the words to never let Ani forget Nate. God, please give me the words to explain and describe Nate to Micah. God, above all, give me the strength of character to be a good role model to Micah, to keep Ani from ever giving up, to keep _myself_ from ever giving up. God, as I try to be towards my children, please accept me as your child and smile upon me. God, you have blessed me with an incredible family, and I will always try to be deserving of the gifts I have received.

What if I had known?

What if I had known, but have been unable to change things?
Would I have danced with Ani more?
Would Nate know better how much I love him?
Would I have tried to be closer to Nate to be able to say goodbye?

I'll never know, and I'll always struggle with this on this side of heaven.


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Old writing, never published - My past

I see my past, and it clouds my future.

Old writing, never published - Shocking...

This may be a shocker, but I've discovered that I'm not infinite.
Obvious, yeah I know, but after hearing recently about a friend's difficulties,
I have bumped up against the fact that there are so many people I care about.
I "care" about all people, and I pray for every little baby I see.  But I am not capable of
caring, from a day-to-day perspective, of everybody in the world.  I simply am not God, that's
his realm, having an unlimited amount of love and care that he can deeply care about every person
in every little moment-to-moment as they live their lives.  It's just not possible for me to wonder every
day about that little girl I saw at the Disney live show, or the little toddler boy that was so cute and
stumbled at Target and made Ani laugh.  Our senior pastor has talked about this a little, in that we
are only really capable of maintaining a few really close friends, a group of other friends and so on.
We

Old writing, never published - My heavy heart

Writer's note: This was 2 years ago, during our "year of pain". Ani is MUCH, MUCH better now. My Lord,
I sit here and listen to my daughter grunt in pain, every other breath.
She stiffens in pain, as she has nearly all day today.
How heavy is my heart as I can only soothe her slightly.
I am trying everything.
Guide me in what to do, how to soothe her.
My heart is low, my body is tired, my spirit is strained.

Old writing, never published - Waiting for Ani

There are times I catch myself wondering when Ani will come back into the room. Not this Ani, but the other Ani. It's unfair for me even to think this, but I do sometimes. I catch that Ani out of the corner of my eye, or out of the corner of this Ani's eye. I love my daughter beyond my ability to understand, and I just want to serve her better. I don't want to just be able to take care of her body's needs, but that of her mind and spirit as well. But for that, I need to hear her opinions in a much more high fidelity way. Not just Yes/No to the questions I think of, but in a more abstract "Ani way". I have written before that I lament the loss of Ani's comments and perspectives, so I have lost a way of looking at this world.


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There are days

There are days when I don't cry over Nate. There are days when I'm not depressed over Ani's paralysis.

Ani, if you are able, you must speak out

I talked with Ani the other day about what she needs to do if she ever gets her voice back. I asked her to use her voice to speak with others. That she must help other kids in a similar situation by talking to them. Sharing what she had done to stay strong, etc. I'm not going to pester her with this, but neither will I let her forget it. If the world is ever graced by her words again God, let those words be clear, bright, honoring and helpful.