My last image of you.

Nate, what was my last image of you?
Did I see you after I shooed Ani toward Mommy?
I remember you at my right side, looking out the back window at Ani's swing set.
Wondering if it would need rebuilding again.
I remember you going around the other side of the couch when I went to the front window.
Why wasn't the couch against the wall? It was spring, no need for the fireplace anymore.
Why didn't you take the same way as me?
I saw it.
I yelled.
I shooed.
I turned around to get you...what then?
Within a second there was blackness.
Did I see you after I turned around?
Am I blocking the memory?
I remember blackness.
Blackness, rolling and tumbling like some evil waterfall.
I wish I had known to yell goodbye.
I hope you knew I was near you.
I hope you knew how much I loved, and still love you.
As complete as my life can ever become again here on Earth,
I can never achieve as much as I could have, were I still to be your father.

Nate's jammies...

Just last night, I got one of Nate's pajama tops from friends of ours that just discovered it. Christy didn't want to see it, but I did. I took it, and now it's in my picture box at work. I'm just wondering if anybody has a suggestion on what I should do with it. Anything creative from somebody?

Ani's wish

A few days ago, I was playing for Ani during bedtime, and I had my electric guitar, but it wasn't plugged in. I played close to Ani so she could hear the guitar, since it wasn't amped. I noticed that she seemed quite interested in me playing closer. After a few questions, I got the indication that she wanted me to play close to her. I did this last night, thinking that she was interested in seeing me play my guitar, but she wasn't. She spent most of the time looking into my eyes. It kinda made me make a few mistakes as I realized that she wanted ME closer, not my guitar. All this time I was telling her that every note I play and every note I sing says "I love you Ani", she wanted to tell me she loved me by looking into my eyes.

I'll be playing close to her from now on.

Dark stuff

Hey all, I know that I post some pretty heavy poems and stuff here. I'm not trying to bring anyone down, rather I'm trying to express them in a way to get the feelings out of me. Kinda like I'm expressing them to myself, putting them in the light of day and examining them. I can't stop the sadness, but I can look at it closely, acknowledge it when it surfaces, and take it out of me and put it on the page.

Thanks for mudding through all this with me.

In the time it takes to yell

In the time it takes to breathe,
my house is gone.
In the time it takes to yell "Nate!!!",
my son is gone.
In the time it takes to stand up,
my daughter is paralyzed.
In the time it takes to cry,
100 prayers are sent above.
In the time it takes to grieve,
well, anything, for I'll never stop grieving on this side of heaven.

Ani giggling

From Christy:

So, Ani was giggling to herself after I had put her to bed and as I was giving her meds. I said, "this is a weird question but is someone in this room with us?" and she raised her hand! I asked if there were angels in the room with us and she twitched her hand and then shook her eyes. I think I made a comment about whoever it is, are they telling jokes, what was so funny… and she giggled. After more meds, I asked again if there were angels in the room and she did not respond. Then I asked her if Nate-Nate was in the room and she raised her hands right away! I asked if she could see him - no response, or hear him - giggle giggle. Oh My!