Can I just simplify?

I get wrapped around the axle trying to explain the information I get from Ani. I use words like "Ani indicated to me", or "Based on Ani's answers...". I want to stop that. I think I'm just going to go back to before, and say "Ani told me", or "Ani said". I'll deal with the potential questions of "Did she use words?". Like it's going to go unnoticed when Ani gets her voice back.

How could I be more proud?

How could I be more proud of you, Ani?
I'm watching you sleep. Did you know you're beautiful?
You must, I tell you every day.
You are living my greatest fear, yet I see courage, I see strength.
Where I think I would feel anger, you laugh and are happy.
Where I think I would feel fear, you show me faith in our God.
Where I would feel disabling pain, you sing through the sobs.
Where I think I might feel like wanting to die, you look at me and somehow manage to say "I love you", with no words. Directly to my heart, giving me the strength to walk along with you.

"Little things" can really last.

I was putting on my dress shoes this morning, and I finally decided to write down what I feel every time I do this.
These shoes were bought and given to me by a close friend so that I could dress up for Nate's funeral.
Now, I'm not sure what "level of importance" my friend attaches to buying me this pair of shoes, but from my perspective, it's a pretty big thing. I remember the time, and I remember the gesture. Every time I scuff these shoes, I feel a little bit guilty, because they have such importance to me. They're quite high quality shoes, so I expect that I'll be remembering this for a long time to come.

An indulgence

I allowed myself to vent some frustration in the car on the way to work this way.
I was thinking that I just wanted to yell a few times.
"I WANT THIS TO BE DIFFERENT!!"
"I WANT ANI TO BE BETTER!!"
I know my God is big enough to handle my frustration.
I'm not angry, just frustrated.

"Out of my mind" by Sharon Draper

You must read this book. I'm only on page 14, and it's just amazing.
It's about a little girl (written when she was nearly 11, through the very small amount of physical control she does have) who was born without the ability to communicate back to the world. Her parents discovered her mental and communicative abilities after many years.

My VP in charge of global R&D suggested this book to me.

I have to stop reading it at work or I'll be crying.

Here's a snippet on page 14:

Everybody uses words to express themselves. Except me. And I bet most people don't realize the real power of words.
But I do.
Thoughts need words. Words need a voice.
I love the smell of my mother's hair after she washes it.
I love the feel of the scratchy stubble on my father's face before he shaves.
But I've never been able to tell them.


This resonates so much with me and talking to Ani.