Sadness and shadows

There is a place of sadness and shadows in my heart, in my soul.
When I look into it, it feels cramped and dank.
There are forgotten things scattered on the floor, things lost and mourned.
Though cramped, this place seems infinite, accepting everything thrown into it.
There’s a one way door, with a window.
I observe what’s in there, but I can’t get things back.
Into this place spills my unheard “I love you, Nate”.
My heart bursts with this phrase, unable to give it to my son.
With him gone, my un-shown love is pulled into the shadows, lost on the floor.
And my heart goes on filling with my love for my son.

Ani, I am still with you.

Ani, though you've only been at camp 2 days, it's felt like years.
I am with you right now.
I still whisper my daily prayer to you as I pass your empty room these mornings.
You are with me right now.
I try to sense in the empty space, what can I do to serve you, to comfort you, to strengthen you.
I see you through the eyes of my heart.
I have pledged you to God, I have pledged myself to God, I have asked God for the job of caring for you.
I wait to hear your words to release me.
I want so very much to pay back my failure to protect you 5 years ago.

Ani at camp

My dear daughter, you are at camp and I am almost beside myself because I feel so out of place. I’m not serving you, nobody in your family is serving you, and though I trust those around you, they’re not your family. The conflict within me between “she needs to have her own experiences without me” and the “I need to serve her” is difficult. The camp called and she is uncomfortable and did not sleep well. Is she homesick? Is it actual pain? This was not the call I wanted. The only call I wanted was after a few days to be told that she’s having a blast. Well, she’s a complicated child, and I talked with the consoler and gave her some advice, and now Ani is calm and comfortable. I hope she naps and gets back some sleep. I feel so guilty for leaving town while she is at camp, but I think things will go better as they “learn Ani”.