CNN Story: "I lost both my boys"

A quote from a Dad down in Joplin.
I know how he feels, to a point.
I don't know how it feels to lose _all_ your children.
But I know how it feels.
In my own selfish and self-defensive way, I tell myself that nobody can know how _I_ feel.
I that part of me I ask: "Why wasn't the whole world crying yesterday at 5:08PM?"
How can anyone look at Thomas the Tank Engine without feeling sad?
My pain is deep and incomprehensible, even to me, how can anyone understand?
Then I come back.
I know that parents lose children every day.
Through accidents and through violence.
Through negligence and through intent.
There are sometimes more emotions mixed in other than the loss.
I know that even apart from the feelings of loss, there is this feeling
of both emptiness and an overflowing of love at the same time.
Your love for a child doesn't stop at their death.

When I read of parents losing children, I can only pray for them.
It's too hard to try to understand, or to extend my emotions to _their_ place.
That would destroy me.
To feel the loss of every child I read about, that would destroy me.

I know that children are special to God, and I know that at some point I'll be dancing with Ani and Nate and Micah in a big ring-around-the-rosie circle.
We'll get dizzy and fall down and go "boom".
We'll laugh, and do it all over again.
That's Heaven enough for me, though I know it's much more.

Here it is again.

It's the day.
The worst of the year.
I promise to not let it overshadow anything that Ani or Micah may do,
but it's in my mind.
It's in my heart.
3 years since I heard my son Nate.
3 years since I saw Ani dance.
3 years since we lived in our 1st home,
where we brought our first two children home.
Where they learned to walk.
Where they learned to talk.
Where they learned to love.

It's not a sin to have survived a tragedy.

I really want to get this across to someone new I know, but in doing so, am I hypocritical?
It's so difficult for me to follow the same advice...
"Why did my family survive unharmed when yours was so tragically altered?"
I don't know...Random chance...A chance to learn and become stronger?
However, when I ask myself something similar...
"Why did I survive, and my son did not?"
"Why did I get through and heal so well when my daughter has not?"
"Why couldn't I protect my children?"
Well, then, that's something entirely different to think about.
I wonder why it's so much easier to support someone else, but condemn yourself?

Now, after that self-condemnation...
I know that I'm stronger since the tornado...In ways, I'm softer too.
I was talking with Ani about the things I would get frustrated with:
- The kids jumping in mud puddles
- Ani painting her entire foot while fingerpainting
- Other minutiae
I told her I was wrong to have gotten frustrated, that those things are "fun",
and not in any way harmful or bad.
Life is so short and fragile...jump in puddles with them, point out how colorful their foot is, revel in how the things you take for granted are so big and beautiful to children.
I would give anything to hear Ani point out the oranges and pinks in a sunset again.

What if...

What if there really are random events in this universe?

One of the phrases that has bugged me since the tornado, and even a little bit before is: "Everything happens for a reason". I'm pretty sure that's not true. I believe that God does not dictate _every_ flip of a coin that I make, and that this universe we live in does in fact have random occurrences. I mean, if everything had a reason, that would eliminate the need for us to have free will, wouldn't it? If everything had a reason, then it would be possible to understand that reason, and therefore mathematically prove the existence of God. God wants us to _choose_ to follow Jesus, not be convinced by some logical means. He wants our hearts full of him, not just the logical part of our brain. I believe that the "Everything happens for a reason" is our (very human) way of quelling our fear that we are not actually in control. I mean, if we could understand the reason, then we could somehow "understand God's essential existence", and I believe that is not possible. As far as free will goes, here's an example. It's kinda hard to _choose_ to believe that the moon exists. It's right there. If God wants us to choose Jesus and His way, we must do so without proof, because it is through Faith that we are saved, not logic. Heck, even the Israelites in the old testament lost their faith even though they were confronted with visible proof time after time during the exodus. I believe that you see the "proof" of our God and his Spirit and his Son through the faith and love of others.

Added, as I think about this, it reminds me of how God wants us to be in relationships with others, and Him, His Spirit, and His Son too. I don't think you can "prove" yourself into a relationship with somebody, you need to choose that for yourself.

Micah, I am free!

Micah, I am reminded of my freedom,
and my responsibility.
My responsibility is to love and serve you.
God's gift to us of your journey to this family tells me so.
My freedom is to love you fully.
Without guilt, you take none of Nate's love away from him.
Without reservation, I can love you and be happy!
What better name could you have than "who is like God",
To remind me of where love comes from.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Ani, I get lost...

Ani, when I look at you and you have that blank look,
I get all lost.
The world starts to slip into a tunnel.
I miss your little-girl-descriptions of the beauty and mystery of this world.
Since I've seen this world through the eyes of my children,
it doesn't seem as real when I look at it all alone.
Where are you when you go away like that?
Can I come with you sometime?
I just read the book "Heaven is for real", and I cried.
I cried because it will be so awesome to be in heaven with you.