The broken fairy daddy put back together again.

The fairy was in plain sight.
Visible, but never really seen.
Slammed, she fell to the ground, broken, but all the pieces recovered.
Put up on the shelf, she aged.
Never flying, never singing, never shining.
Until one day, daddy was clearing the fluff away.
And he discovered the broken fairy.
He really saw the fairy, and could not let her stay this way.
Carefully, he put the pieces back.
Cracks still showed, and the fairy wasn’t perfect, but daddy continued.
All we can do is wait and pray.
Pray for the fairy to spread her wings again, and be seen by this world.

God, the little things aren't little anymore.

Micah was sitting on my lap, watching a show over Ani's shoulder. I was absentmindedly scratching his back, running my fingers through his hair. Micah never noticed, conciously, but _I_ noticed. I noticed that I can tell him "I love you" without using the words.

Warm and safe.

Warm and safe, you can't keep your eyes open.
My son, you are as safe as can be in my arms.
Your sparkle slowly fades as you let sleep take you.
God, watch over us both as we sit here on the couch.
My little answered prayer twitches and snores softly.
He's a handful, but he has my heart.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Nurturing the vibrancy in Ani

God, give me the ability to nurture and fulfill the song for Ani who can't sing.
God, give me the ability to nurture and fulfill the phsyicality of dancing for Ani who can't move.
God, give me the ability to nurture and fulfill the vibrancy of Ani who can't express herself.

God, give me the ability to not let any of my failings be picked up by her.

The best years coming up? Can I do it?

I keep remembering how I would think that I had it perfect. 2 great kids, a wonderful wife, a good job, a great neighborhood...then BAM.

Now I'm struck with trying to make my future years the best I can. I owe this to everybody, myself included. What kind of father would I be if I cannot be joyful, to spread to Ani and Micah, not to mention Christy. God, please give me the strength and advice to make my future brighter than I can do all by myself.

Thank you Lord

God, I thank you for all my blessings. My children, my wife, my church.
Sometimes it's difficult to see my blessings through tear-filled eyes.
Sometimes it's difficult to say "Thanks" with a throat choked with a sob.
Sometimes it's just difficult.
But I am so grateful.

Everything is relative

There's a new guy here at work. He's a digital artist. He seems quite intelligent.
He's in a chair.
He has a vibrant mind.
He can express himself well.
He can control his surroundings.
He can use his arms.
He makes a difference.

I'm sure he has no idea that I pray that Ani can get to his level.

Time, magnified

There are faith songs that try to tell me that my time here on earth is only for a little while...stay tuned and my tears will be wiped away. I believe all that, but my pain and longing magnify the weariness that time here brings. My separation from Nate is a constant pain, and it sometimes blinds me from remembering where he is and that I'll see him again. It was quite difficult to drive today, looking through tear filled eyes. I haven't cried like that in a while. God, what I need is strength and patience. I want to fulfill whatever purpose you have for me.

"Which smile holds my future?"

That's the question that Ani asked in my dream. So, obviously, it's really me asking. I've been thinking about this a lot. I think it's associated with an experience I had with Ani driving home from shopping with her. Here I'm telling her that I enjoy just _being_ with her, I love her no matter what she can do or what she can't do. But in the next instant, after I've finished speaking, I feel low, pulled down by the weight of her disabilities. "Which smile holds my future": I know that in some ways this question means "What face do I put on when I'm with Ani to help her get to her future", but on other levels I understand that it's about ME too. How do I choose to face the future with her? What face do I put on to help ME get through this? I need to be strong, faithful, and hopeful for both of us, not just Ani. If I'm not helping to strengthen myself, how can I hope to help strengthen Ani?

Hero

My greatest aspiration in life is to be a hero to my family.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Me

To those of you who read my words here and also see me in real life...Do my words ever come back to you when you see me? Do you wonder where my words come from? You've "seen me" at my lowest points here in this blog, do you wonder how I keep up "the brave face"? What questions would you ask me? Am I too dark in here?


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

All of me in her, Lord.

Sleep, my child...
Gather your strength.
Face this world when you can.
God, be with her as she rests.
Give her comfort.
Give her strength.
Give her healing.
Give her resolve.
For I need recharging also,
and _all_ my requests start with
her, and not for myself.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

What I'm doing

I try, I really try to forget everything sometimes...
Well, that's not really true...
I try to not let all this define who I am...
Well, that's not really true either...
I try to not let everything overwhelm me.
Yeah, that's what I do.
For small amounts of time, I find diversions.
Diversions that relieve me of the sadness.
That relieve me of the huge responsibilities.
Let's face it, while what happened doesn't _define_ me,
I am a product of all I've been through.
Friends remind me sometimes of thing's I've said in my past,
like in high school, and I wonder who that was?
Who was I before all this?
I am who I am, and I'm trying so hard to keep learning,
to keep bettering myself with respect to my relating to others.
I can't let myself weaken, for Ani's sake,
for Micah's sake,
for Christy's sake.
That doesn't mean that I can't be tender,
or even vulnerable, just that I can't stop
seeking hope, seeking peace, seeking inner strength.

Yell!

Rail! Yell! Deny!
He's never coming back. Accept it.
No! Not right!
Her recovery will be incremental and likely limited.
Rage! Flail!
You should be "over it".

Look Up, for Peace is available.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Difficult week

It's been a difficult week, and I am weary: physically, emotionally and spiritually...

Ani has been uncomfortable for some reason, and this suppresses the advances that I've seen in the past couple weeks, and what I've been excited for her to show to her teachers and classmates at school in this new school year. It's very hard when small setbacks are capable of overshadowing very exciting victories, even victories that seem small in scope. God I pray that she feels better and can show her teachers what she can do, and can grow from her victories.

Micah has been showing "aggressive toddler" behavior for some time now, and this has resulted in his friends at daycare being somewhat afraid of him, and blaming him for things that happen even if he is not there. I know that this behavior is "normal" for toddlers, but he is so strong that he has caused injuries. This makes me sad for both him _and_ the other kids. God I pray that you show me what I might be doing wrong in parenting Micah, what I can be doing more in parenting Micah, and for giving Micah an increased sense of empathy for his friends.

Miss you...

Happy birthday Mom. I miss you. I miss talking about anything with you.

Micah, I'm glad you forgive me. :)

With all we go through together, being Daddy and 2-year-old...Micah I'm glad you still have smiles and hugs and "Daddy!!!" for me.

Funerals for children...Do.Not.Want

I attended yet another funeral for the child of a friend of mine today. In all, that's 3 in just under a year. Lord, if you want me to pass on my experience and to help my friends, maybe you could help me through the first couple verses of "Amazing Grace". Once I get to "My chains are gone...", I can sing the refrain.

Humble me, Lord

Humble me before Ani, Lord. Let my energies go towards her care, primarily.

Humble me before Micah, Lord. Let patience be my guiding virtue.

Humble me before Christy, Lord. Let a serving heart show my love and leadership to her.

Humble me before my family, Lord. Let me lead through being supportive.

Humble me before you, Lord. Let me feel your Spirit beside me as I pray in gratitude for your Son's sacrifice for me, for your promise I will see Nate again.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Nate and Ani, I see other kids here and I wonder how it would have been to have been here with you. I would have tried to have been patient, but I'm sure I would have failed a bit. I don't know how healthy it is to keep wondering about the "if only, times", but I can't help it. My mind always tries to put you both by my side, then I "snap back", usually painfully.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Emotions

Ani, my light...
I have become more and more excited about your future, but I am so frail when it comes to handling the bumps in the road. When you had your allergic reaction the other day, my world started crashing down. My goodness, I need to be stronger than that to serve you to the best of my ability. Forgive me for my temporary weaknesses. Perhaps that carried forward last night into my singing and playing for you. I don't believe I've ever played and sang that emotionally for you ever before. I've certainly never sung the "ABCs" with such a depth of love before. I keep trying to explain to you that every note I sing and every note I play says "I love you", but it had never been more true than last night, and it surprised me. Every note was both mine and yours at the same time. Ani, I hope you can hear the emotion from me. Perhaps I'm trying to ensure that you never have a doubt about my love for you...That you are so worthy of _being_ loved, by me and, by extension and explanation, by God. I try so hard to explain to you that your worth is not tied to the things you can do or cannot do. You are loved simply because you are you.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Grace

Lord, you have shown such compassion on our family since our tragedy. The introduction of Micah to our family and the healing he has brought, and now the improvements in Ani in the last few weeks. She has never looked and behaved "so much like Ani" since the tornado as now. Thank you for guiding us towards this combinations of medications to control her seizures. I pledge to you now that when she gets her voice back, I will formally add "Grace" to her name. I have been calling her "Annika Aili Grace Prindle" for a wile now, and I will explain to anyone why we have added another middle name to her.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

"Daddy..."

Daddy look! My scars are gone!
Yes dear, they are.
You heard me? Daddy, I can talk again!!
Yes dear, you are perfect here.
Can we dance?
Yes.
Can we sing?
All the time.
Daddy...where's Nate-nate?
Right beside you dear. Give him a hug.


I may not cry in sadness in heaven, but I'll cry nonetheless.

Ani, my teacher

Ani, what have I learned from you?

I have learned to differentiate body and soul. Your body doesn't work well, but your soul lights my darkest moments.

I have learned that no victory is too small. Victories cannot be nullified by a subsequent failure. You have been SO victorious.

I have learned even more, that true strength is not of a physical nature. Your perseverance through this has shown me a glimpse of the strength Jesus showed during his ordeal.

I have learned the power of the words "I love you", for both the speaker and receiver. I have learned that there are also SO MANY ways to tell Annika Aili Grace Prindle that I love her without using those three words. How infinitely more ways does the Holy Trinity tell me that I am loved.

I have learned sacrifice, Ani. I have asked God so many times to take your place that I should no longer exist. You are worth more than I could ever have or deserve.

I have learned to smile through the adversity. My ability to make you smile with mirth, as well as fulfillment gives me so much more than I feel I give back.

Last, but certainly not least, I have learned about beauty. You are beautiful when I use my eyes to see you. You are beautiful when I use my heart to see you. You are beautiful in your joy to be with me. I am constantly stunned at how beautiful you are. I am so glad that your beauty shines to other people. I pray most fervently that the beauty of your voice, whether in song or expression, be restored to this world that so needs it.

A perfect smile

Micah, you're 2 and still like to cuddle and rock with me.
You're looking up at me with your cheek to my chest.
Softly repeating "I love you", I stroke your hair.
Your eyes twinkle, and your smile peeks around your pacifier.
A smile just for me.
A smile I don't see anywhere else.
God, may I forever be able to recall that smile in my memory.
A smile that tells me that I can sometimes do something right.

God, convict me...

God, my son is gone, and it is not my fault. Help me remember this.

God, my girl is hurt, and it is not my fault. Help me remember this.

God, of my _true_ faults, I want YOU, your Son and Spirit to convict me, not my flawed perception.

I don't want to live with feeling fault, I don't want Ani to see this and even get any thought that she may have fault in her condition. God, give her peace in that.

You...

I touched your hair, but didn't feel your warmth.
I said goodbye, but your ears didn't hear me.
I cried out for you, but you were far, far away.
Ani couldn't say goodbye, and I am sorry for that, for both of you.
I wish I could be shown a glimpse of you now, shining, loving.
I've been thinking of you a lot over the past couple days.
I need to cry sometimes, and I do.
I don't need to cry to remember that I love you, it's impossible for me to forget.
I need to cry, as an action.
As an expression.
As an earthly reminder that you are elsewhere, and I want to be with you.
Just as my voice aches to say your name, my soul requires me to cry to somehow connect with you.

At the same time...

I am two people so often... I am astoundingly happy having Micah in our family, while punishingly sad that he can't meet Nate here on Earth. I am thrilled to hear of other children's achievements, while grieving whenever I hear of injuries or deaths of small children. I am so proud of how far Ani has come since the injury, yet want so much more for her. I tell Ani that it's not possible to fully tell her how much I love her, yet I am as one within my song and guitar when I use music to do so. I pray so often every day for Ani's healing, and try so hard to remain faithful when the answer is "not yet". I have very positive intuitions about Ani's future (and even Visions), yet too fearful to allow myself to believe and find peace in them.

Before I die...

God grant me the prayer of Ani's words before I die. That will truly be my heaven on Earth.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Best therapy in a long time...

The best therapy I've had in a long time is Micah yelling "Daddeeeeeeeee!!!!" and running up to me. My goodness my little boy, how you've helped us. I'll try and explain that to you some day.

Dreams...

I had a dream about Nate last night...I think that earlier in the evening, before bed, I had thought about not remembering if I have had a dream about Micah yet. In the dream with Nate, all I remember was him running around and me patting his back. I don't remember him speaking.

Lord I pray

Lord, I see these babies with the very young mommies. Watch over them and bind them to each other with your love.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

What hurts me

What hurts sometimes is that I know Ani is "in there", and her interests are changing. It hurts to not know what they are, since she can't tell me.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Stolen

I try ever so hard not to hate, but there are still very strong emotions surrounding the tornado. You stole the orange from my sunsets, the singing, the dancing, and the monkeys from my car. You stole my boy and left me questioning my skills at fatherhood. You took my boy...from 10 feet away from me...you took my boy! You took my courage and wonder and replaced them with fear and doubt. You are not a "you". How do I remove this weight from myself? How do I forgive a weather phenomenon? It's tough enough to forgive myself.

More than I am

Last night, as Micah came to sit on my lap on the floor to play with a toy, I was aware of my blessings. I was aware of feeling that I was "more than I am", or more accurately; "More than I can be without God". I am blessed with Christy. I am blessed with Ani. I was blessed with Nate for 2.5 years (plus the pregnancy). I am blessed with Micah. I am blessed with the challenges of being both a "Parent" and a "Carent" to Ani. I am forced to look at my childrens' futures both very differently. In these challenges, I am blessed that I must consider very different perspectives in life. I must constantly decide what is important to me, to my family. I consciously include Nate's name whenever possible. My heart is both in Heaven and down here on Earth. It's quite difficult, but I know that some blessings are just that.

Ani, how much do I share with you?

Ani, how much do I share with you? How much shall I show you of my feelings? Shall I share my shame of not being able to protect you? I share that you are blameless, and never deserved this. I wish you could ask me questions, I would only tell you the truth. Shall I share my tears? Tears for your condition? Tears for missing Nate? What would you think of my sharing? Would you still have faith in my strength to serve you?

Heaven, cry with me.

I see the rain today through tear clouded eyes... Heaven, do you cry with me? I explain to Ani that she did not do anything to deserve this injury... Heaven, do you cry with us? "Homesick" plays on the radio, and again there are drops on my face that mimic the rain.. Heaven, do you cry with me?

Ease my soul, Lord

Lord, ease my soul...
Tell me that little boys that go to heaven don't remember their fear on earth, and have no condemnation of their father for being able to protect them.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Best Daddy

God, please give me the wisdom to be the best daddy I can be. God, please give me the stamina to keep up with Micah, to lift Ani. God, please give me the courage to let Micah explore his world without worrying. God, please give me the courage to be "the daddy" during storms. God, please give me the peace to even consider the futures of Ani and Micah without fear. God, please give me the speed to keep up with Micah. God, please give me the words to speak wisdom to Ani and Micah. God, please give me the presence and personality so that Ani and Micah will never question whether they are loved. God, please give me the words to never let Ani forget Nate. God, please give me the words to explain and describe Nate to Micah. God, above all, give me the strength of character to be a good role model to Micah, to keep Ani from ever giving up, to keep _myself_ from ever giving up. God, as I try to be towards my children, please accept me as your child and smile upon me. God, you have blessed me with an incredible family, and I will always try to be deserving of the gifts I have received.

What if I had known?

What if I had known, but have been unable to change things?
Would I have danced with Ani more?
Would Nate know better how much I love him?
Would I have tried to be closer to Nate to be able to say goodbye?

I'll never know, and I'll always struggle with this on this side of heaven.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Old writing, never published - My past

I see my past, and it clouds my future.

Old writing, never published - Shocking...

This may be a shocker, but I've discovered that I'm not infinite.
Obvious, yeah I know, but after hearing recently about a friend's difficulties,
I have bumped up against the fact that there are so many people I care about.
I "care" about all people, and I pray for every little baby I see.  But I am not capable of
caring, from a day-to-day perspective, of everybody in the world.  I simply am not God, that's
his realm, having an unlimited amount of love and care that he can deeply care about every person
in every little moment-to-moment as they live their lives.  It's just not possible for me to wonder every
day about that little girl I saw at the Disney live show, or the little toddler boy that was so cute and
stumbled at Target and made Ani laugh.  Our senior pastor has talked about this a little, in that we
are only really capable of maintaining a few really close friends, a group of other friends and so on.
We

Old writing, never published - My heavy heart

Writer's note: This was 2 years ago, during our "year of pain". Ani is MUCH, MUCH better now. My Lord,
I sit here and listen to my daughter grunt in pain, every other breath.
She stiffens in pain, as she has nearly all day today.
How heavy is my heart as I can only soothe her slightly.
I am trying everything.
Guide me in what to do, how to soothe her.
My heart is low, my body is tired, my spirit is strained.

Old writing, never published - Waiting for Ani

There are times I catch myself wondering when Ani will come back into the room. Not this Ani, but the other Ani. It's unfair for me even to think this, but I do sometimes. I catch that Ani out of the corner of my eye, or out of the corner of this Ani's eye. I love my daughter beyond my ability to understand, and I just want to serve her better. I don't want to just be able to take care of her body's needs, but that of her mind and spirit as well. But for that, I need to hear her opinions in a much more high fidelity way. Not just Yes/No to the questions I think of, but in a more abstract "Ani way". I have written before that I lament the loss of Ani's comments and perspectives, so I have lost a way of looking at this world.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

There are days

There are days when I don't cry over Nate. There are days when I'm not depressed over Ani's paralysis.

Ani, if you are able, you must speak out

I talked with Ani the other day about what she needs to do if she ever gets her voice back. I asked her to use her voice to speak with others. That she must help other kids in a similar situation by talking to them. Sharing what she had done to stay strong, etc. I'm not going to pester her with this, but neither will I let her forget it. If the world is ever graced by her words again God, let those words be clear, bright, honoring and helpful.

Paralysis

It paralyzes me to explain that Ani is paralyzed.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Micah, I will stand with you

I hate that I have to post something like this, but I will at some point soon need to start discussing racism with Micah. The recent killing of Trayvon Martin, and this article:(http://ideas.time.com/2012/03/21/how-to-talk-to-young-black-boys-about-trayvon-martin/) has made me more aware how simply being a young male with darker skin adds a non-zero amount of threat to their lives. God give me the right words to keep Micah's self-confidence intact, and indeed, as strong as it _can_ be when/if Micah encounters difficulties. I know that my difficulties with being bullied in school got the "It's their problem, not yours" speech from my mom, but it still hurt. How much stronger might Micah need to be to use his mind and not his emotions to diffuse, or indeed escape from, much more difficult problems that I faced. Micah, I love you and I will stand with you.

Over and over I see this.

A dark monster, a scream, a terrified face, an outstretched arm, tumbling, blackness, death? The sky, a cry, then silence with screams. Emptiness, oh emptiness.

How did I miss this?

Christy asked Ani last night what abilities she would like to regain. How did I miss asking her this?? Ani wants to be able to talk again. Ani wants to be able to eat by mouth again. Ani wants to be able to see better again. Ani wants to be able to move her head as she wishes again. Ani "didn't care" about using her hands again. Ani "didn't care" about dancing again. It kinda kills me that she "doesn't care" about using her hands or dancing again. Is she resigned to her fate? Should I feel comforted that a nearly 9 year old can make this decision? I wonder...the things that she indicated that she wants back are literally in the same order of importance that Christy and I have discussed. Has she just listened to us and decided that all she wants are the most important things to us? I'm going to have to really think about this and then talk with Ani.

I still struggle with this

"In a better place".
Nate is there, but how can it be better?
My limited, and selfish, perspective can't always see this. He's not with me! I can't parent him! I can't tell him I love him! I can't protect him!
Of course he is safe.
He is loved to perfection.
He is loved with the perfect love, that of the one that gave us Nate in the first place, gave us the love to love him.
He's just not here, or is it that _I_ am not with him, and that is so painful.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

It would have been...

The pool would have been her 5th birthday party.
That would have been her bus stop, her school.
That would have been her dance school, her gymnastics school.
That would have been her piano.
That would have been her car.
I would have walked her down the aisle.
I would have held her child.
I would have said goodbye to them when _I_ was leaving this earth.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Anger is hard to deal with

M

I know right now that some of what you're feeling is anger. Anger at the world, anger at what happened, and maybe anger at yourself and possibly others. Anger can be so destructive and poisoning if you let it sit. If you "need" to be angry, be angry at the wintery conditions that took your precious one from you. Don't be angry at yourself or others, but at something that you'll eventually realize is impossible to be angry with, like a tornado. Eventually you'll realize that anger towards something like that is just something you can decide to dismiss. Otherwise anger can keep you blind to what made her special to you in the first place. I've stopped using the words "love" and "hate" for little things...like I don't say "I love pizza" anymore. Love should be used towards relationships, and hatred towards things like injustice or neglect.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Ani is vocalizing more

Just this weekend, Ani has been vocalizing more and more. Tonight she was looking me in the eye and vocalizing with me as I sang "Kiss the girl" from Little Mermaid. She "had that look" that told me that she was singing and that she knew that _I_ knew that she was singing. I wonder what factors have been involved with this. Her voice seems fuller, stronger since the tonsillectomy. I wonder also if those tonsils were quite painful and irritating. I also wonder now, if she isn't finally catching up on "good sleep" that she hasn't been getting for some time because of snoring and apnea.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Hospitals

Hospitals
Does the joy outshine the sadness?
Relief outweigh the pain?
Hospitals feel so different to me now.
What I notice now is the range of emotions...
In the faces of family
In the faces of patients
In the faces of the nurses
What really gets to me, and it's the same at nursing homes, is the "far off look", like there's nothing to live for, no hope. I've come back from that place, and it's too easy to pull me back again.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone