I see your picture, and close my eyes.
I feel your soft hair under my fingertips.
I feel your shoulders and back under my hand.
I feel your kiss upon my left cheek.
I hear you asking for a cracker.
How has it been 2 years my son?
How do I feel this tension between
remembering you like it was yesterday I put you to bed,
but like forever since I played with you?
Ani's condition reminds me every day,
and if I let it, nearly every moment I'm with her,
that you're somewhere else. I'm reminded
that I want to be there with you.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Ani's progress
Well, lots has happened. Ani has had her hip surgery and gotten through it OK. She still a bit stiff and sore. Her left knee still is stiff, and a bit swollen. It took my leg a long time to bend correctly too.
She had her shunt surgery too. She's gotten through that well, had a little reaction to one of the antibiotics, but she's a real trooper (and loves to hear you tell her that!). I've already seen some improvement, the tension in her neck and eyes seems better already, even just the day after. We'll have to see what comes.
She had her shunt surgery too. She's gotten through that well, had a little reaction to one of the antibiotics, but she's a real trooper (and loves to hear you tell her that!). I've already seen some improvement, the tension in her neck and eyes seems better already, even just the day after. We'll have to see what comes.
Friday, April 9, 2010
News...
Well, I should have posted before this, a lot has been happening.
Ani has had her hip and leg surgery, and has gotten out of her cast. It was so nice to give her a bath again and ease her aches. It feels good to soothe her and give her some peace of body. She will continue to get more limber in her hip and knee, she's been sooooo stiff from being in a mostly body cast for nearly 2 months. Now for the more difficult news, we went to see a neurologist about Ani's MRI. He came in the room with a "Understanding hydrocephalus" book. Didn't want to see that. So, that's the current diagnosis. She will have to have a shunt done (scheduled for April 21st), but the neurologist is optimistic about the gains Ani might make. Improvement in muscle relaxation, and maybe even her stomach and gut functions! That would be nice. The good news through all this was that I watched the MRI animation and saw NO VOIDS in Ani's skull other than the increased size of her ventricles (where the Cerebral Spinal Fluid is produced). So, all in all, it wasn't the _worst_ answer (which would have been that a lot of Ani's brain is just gone), but it wasn't the "Well, we can't see anything wrong now, she should just pop out of it soon" answer either. Probably the most realistic answer though, it can explain why her stomach and muscles both went south at pretty much the same time.
Now for the other big, exciting news. We are going to adopt a newborn! In our circle of friends is a man with a 15 year old daughter who is pregnant and due in Mid-June. She has come to the mature realization that the baby's life comes first, and that she cannot be a mommy at 15. She agreed to place the baby, and then suggested to her mother that they talk to Christy and I. I have met Katie, the birth mother, a few times, and she certainly knows of our tragedy. The baby is a boy. When I think about this situation, I'm kinda in a dreamlike state, but unlike the nightmare dreamlike state I was in for weeks following the tornado, this is a good dream. I am so excited, and nervous as well. I'm not scared, I've been through 2 newborns before and have a good idea of what to expect. I also have an incredible idea of the love I want to give to this baby. I have such a stockpile that wants to be expressed to a child here on earth. I pray to send my love to Nate every night too, but there's still so much left over. I am in the process of securing an attorney for the adoption. Last year for our company benefits, I signed up for the legal services, which turns out to be about 10 dollars a pay period. So, for $260 this year, the legal benefits will pay all the lawyer costs for the adoption! Good timing.
Ani has had her hip and leg surgery, and has gotten out of her cast. It was so nice to give her a bath again and ease her aches. It feels good to soothe her and give her some peace of body. She will continue to get more limber in her hip and knee, she's been sooooo stiff from being in a mostly body cast for nearly 2 months. Now for the more difficult news, we went to see a neurologist about Ani's MRI. He came in the room with a "Understanding hydrocephalus" book. Didn't want to see that. So, that's the current diagnosis. She will have to have a shunt done (scheduled for April 21st), but the neurologist is optimistic about the gains Ani might make. Improvement in muscle relaxation, and maybe even her stomach and gut functions! That would be nice. The good news through all this was that I watched the MRI animation and saw NO VOIDS in Ani's skull other than the increased size of her ventricles (where the Cerebral Spinal Fluid is produced). So, all in all, it wasn't the _worst_ answer (which would have been that a lot of Ani's brain is just gone), but it wasn't the "Well, we can't see anything wrong now, she should just pop out of it soon" answer either. Probably the most realistic answer though, it can explain why her stomach and muscles both went south at pretty much the same time.
Now for the other big, exciting news. We are going to adopt a newborn! In our circle of friends is a man with a 15 year old daughter who is pregnant and due in Mid-June. She has come to the mature realization that the baby's life comes first, and that she cannot be a mommy at 15. She agreed to place the baby, and then suggested to her mother that they talk to Christy and I. I have met Katie, the birth mother, a few times, and she certainly knows of our tragedy. The baby is a boy. When I think about this situation, I'm kinda in a dreamlike state, but unlike the nightmare dreamlike state I was in for weeks following the tornado, this is a good dream. I am so excited, and nervous as well. I'm not scared, I've been through 2 newborns before and have a good idea of what to expect. I also have an incredible idea of the love I want to give to this baby. I have such a stockpile that wants to be expressed to a child here on earth. I pray to send my love to Nate every night too, but there's still so much left over. I am in the process of securing an attorney for the adoption. Last year for our company benefits, I signed up for the legal services, which turns out to be about 10 dollars a pay period. So, for $260 this year, the legal benefits will pay all the lawyer costs for the adoption! Good timing.
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