Good end to an emotional day.

During Ani's nitetime ritual, I had to answer the phone. After about 5 minutes or so, Ani vocalized with something that i instantly interpreted as a "Come back to me". What joy at being spoken to by Ani! Later, we were talking about my Mom and I asked her if she remembered Grandma Prindle. She most certainly responded positively. All I did was talk with her tonight. Very little singing, and she was still happy.

My amazing girl.

What’s in it for me?

Is my faith based on what I get out of it?  Do I have faith because that’s the only way I can see Nate again?  Probably the only way I’ll dance with Ani again?  It shouldn’t be like that.  My faith should be based on a decision to follow, to commit myself.  However, I can’t shake the feeling that this is not how my decision was made.

 

I want to run, I want to sit still, I want to throw something, I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to remain silent and motionless.  This is my silent battle over Nate not being with me.  I held his train near me, just now, and listened to it whir.  Oh how easily I could close my eyes and transport myself back to a time without this pain.  It was almost unstoppable, the urge to call out to him and give him his train.  Easily, the images of our old house came to mind; where had the train stopped this time?  Under the couch?  Under the cabinet?  Then I open my eyes and put the train back on my desk, feeling lost and diminished.

What I'm afraid of.

On Tuesday nights, while we're at band, Lexie puts the kids to bed.
Ani is always awake, waiting for me to come say her nite-nite prayers. I've asked her many times different ways if she's waiting for me, and she has indicated yes.
What will happen when I leave this earth? Will she still wait at night for me to have that wonderful one-to-one time with her? Will she remember the thousands of times I've said "I love you"? Will she remember all the times I've told her that she didn't deserve what happened to her? That she didn't do anything wrong? Will she hear the songs that I always sing to her? Will she be able to feel the presence of the holy spirit with her?

Will she feel alone?

I'm not afraid of passing away from here, per se. I'm afraid of the effect my absence will cause. It absolutely kills me inside to imagine her feeling lonely, marginalized, alone.

Is it possible to cuddle enough, to say "I love you" enough, to sing enough, to kiss cheeks enough, that you never really leave when you die? God, keep Ani's faith strong that she knows that she's never alone while you're with her, and that it's only a matter of time until she sees me again.

The dark places

Ani, I just looked at the pictures of you in the ICU. You look so vacant, frail, vulnerable. How could I have let this happen to you? The sorrow returned, the feeling of fear and being lost. It's so hard to see the dance recital pictures and the ICU pictures at the same time on the computer screen. Now I have to break out of this and get you to bed.