How do I get "through this"?

Whatever "this" is, I'm getting through it; We're getting through it.
Not by any measure of "strength" that I have, but through others.
My faith.
My wife.
My daughter.
My son.
My friends.
How do I not collapse every time I see Ani?
I have hope, and I have her.
Every time she looks at me with the "I love you, daddy" eyes.
Every time that she is happy when I think I would give up.
Every time she laughs. Every. Single. Time.
I won't give up on her, and won't let her give up on herself.
In return, she doesn't give up on me.
It is truly my privilege (and difficult job, to be sure) to care for her.
I can celebrate her victories.
I can shake off the bumps along the way.
Because she does.
She's the hero, the brave one, and I might get more strength from her than I give to her.

Then and now.

I'm at church, singing now. 

I was at church singing 6 years ago. 

We put a little boy in daycare today. 

6 years ago we did the same for a different little boy. 

We skipped out then, all hand-in-hand. 

A girl who still walked and talked. 

A boy who still lived. 

Clueless parents. 

Happy and unaware.

We ate lunch, had naps. 

And then that life turned into this life.

This life is so different, I don't even know how to compare the two. 

It's likely not even useful or healthy to even try.  Even so, as I am by Ani's side as she faces her challenges, and I can't help but think of the difference in the direction her life would have taken.

How much of my inner pain and frustration goes to Micah?  Too much probably. 

Who are you now?

As much as I could know you at 2 1/2, I knew you Nate.
I knew you, I loved you, I could guess what you would want to eat.
After 6 years off this earth, who are you?
I can barely keep up with who Ani is inside, and I see her every day.
I can just never wrap my head around the fact that a whole person is gone.
A whole person that stars in hundreds of pictures in my library.
A whole person that stars in my heart so prominently.
A whole person who waits patiently, bathed in the love and praise of God in Heaven.
I'm sure I will know who you are, recognize you as my son, but who will you be?
Maybe that;s not even a valid question, I don't know.