Hard week.

It's been a hard week, and I don't know why. I keep thinking about Nate, and specifically his funeral. I found a list of comments on his obituary that I had never seen before. There are 18 pages of them, and I read them all at least once. As a parent, I know how much our children influence everything about us, but it's amazing to see how your child might affect so many around them. Maybe it's hard because it's back to school week, and I keep thinking about how I shouldn't have ever had to take Ani to school in a wheelchair, or talk about her to the special needs teacher. I don't know. It would be nice to not feel sad a lot.

Why does this happen?

I was out at lunch today when I saw an infant boy in his baby carrier.
From out of nowhere, the image of Nate in his casket came to mind and would't go away.
I looked at the baby's hair, and the feeling came to mind of when I touched Nate's hair in his casket.
I couldn't cry.
I wanted to, but couldn't, it makes it really hard on those around me.
I pushed it away, until it came back on the drive home.
Oh, it came back.

My life, as reflected in the violin

I am now in my second year of violin lessons. Only now am I starting to "feel the violin" in my right hand, holding the bow.
Through this journey, I've seen my life, I've seen my Christianity, my spirituality. I've written before about "Dump the icky, strive for the beauty".

After the first 3 months, I nearly gave up. I had no faith. Upon confessing this to my teacher, she showed me such grace that I'm not sure I deserved it. She stayed with me all along, only "pointing out the small sins" (my description, not her's) in my technique. Guiding me along with just practicing in lessons (kind of like only being a "Christian in church") until now, when I look forward to practicing and it fills something in me, and I think about the violin a lot throughout the day. In all things, pray. I've prayed for playing the violin better. I _am_ better now. I know my Creator is with me. When I'm mad, when I'm sad, when I feel guilty, when my own voice in my head says you'll never get better, my Heavenly Teacher is there with me, guiding me along.

I've gotten angry with the violin. What sense is that?
I've gotten frustrated with the violin, with myself, but after confessing it to myself, I go back the next day and I've overcome my hurdle.
I've played with tension in my neck, no use.
I've played with tension in my shoulder, no use.
I've played using my head.
I've played using my heart.
Only through a relaxed attitude, listening to all parts of me, does the violin sing sweetly.
Maybe God wants us to see the fractured facets of our soul that sin has caused. The jewel that God gave us in the life that we have, the breath that we take, is ours to heal or destroy. I think that we should be looking at every aspect of ourselves, every broken piece that needs fixing. Then we open ourselves up to Jesus and let his sacrifice be the glue that bring all the shards of our soul back together again so that it sings sweetly to God.